I need to be better with my actual family though, who I have such a hard time talking to, because of my own thoughts and actions. I get annoyed at them unnecessarily a lot of the time. I feel like I’ve black sheeped myself on purpose after things started going downhill in my life.
They care and try to help me in multiple ways and all I do is disappoint them it seems.
Younger family I don’t keep up with, older family who try to help me but here I am, broke and jobless. A husk of what I used to be before things went so far south.
Yet without that, I wouldn’t be here on SP. Wouldn’t have met some people who emotionally carried me through 2016-2017, and the person who then carried me through to this day. One of the few reasons I think maybe I can figure out SOMETHING that could maybe work: I’m in love with someone, even though they are with someone else, because of me.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving this person in that way.
I’ve accepted my fate that it’s likely I’ve lost the chance to properly be with them at this point, but yeah. Heart wants what it wants.
Definitely have a soulmate vibe with them too. I care very deeply about this person emotionally to the point where even if they aren’t with me, I’ll still be there for them and try to have their back because I know they keep to themselves as much as I tend to.
Despite all of that though, I can’t help the fact that I’m still madly in love with them.
I’d felt like this with no one else before to this day.
It’s silly, because the mess that I am always feels inadequate for feeling like this. Not wanting to hold them back by being with someone like me, even though she was locked down at the time. I can’t even provide for myself, how would I even properly navigate a life with this person anyway?
I always apologize and feel like I’m bothering them all the time. I don’t know. I’m such a mess in my head and I’ve told her pretty much everything, she’s one of the few people on the planet I’ve been completely unfiltered with.
Never had luck with women in general. Had 1 girlfriend in high school and some others online that I barely remember and it didn’t work out. No sex, wasn’t with them too long either. No one I had a crush on ever reciprocated or wound up thinking I was a creep or something. My upbringing and my own mentality made me very socially awkward. Book smart kid who lacked common sense, that was me. Still is me somewhat.
Not even all that smart anymore. I can’t adult for shit. I feel like a broken teenager still, all these years later.
I’m not the type to really reach out, simply because I don’t have much to offer. I find I’m best in the supporting role, like a member of the lost boys or an enforcer in a gang. I lack the skills to be the guy, but maybe I know the guy, and I’ll just be there to support.
I think life’s just been kicking my ass for a long time now, and I don’t even have it that hard.
That’s the worst part. So many people I know have it worse, struggle more, etc etc. But me, I can’t get anything right. Can’t get it together. For my parents or my brother, who have given way more than they deserve to trash like me.
What kind of older brother am I really? What kind of shit younger brother am I? What kind of ungrateful son am I? Horrible uncle. Disgrace of a grandson.
I will drive myself mad not only trying to find work asap, but I need to get it together somehow. And fast.
Time is not something I have a lot of. And I’ve wasted so much of my one life, feels like I’m just going through the motions lately.
I’m no asshole. I’m not evil.
But good, a nice person. I’m not that either, else I’d be able to handle proper relationships with people.
Sometimes, I want to turn my brain off.