So here I am replying to a post offering a suggestion to someone and I am back here disgusted and hurt. I gave up trying anymore and am just hanging in there… accepting that I can’t find a place that’s comfortable. I have been alone for a long time. Tried to change, tried to adapt, but just not able to find a place where I am accepted and feel welcome … hoping for trust and love would be to much to even ask for… So keeping it basic and can’t even get that. Not sure how to keep on going this time around. Super sad at another disappointment and another lost hope. Some time ago I posted that I got my kit and I still have it sitting on a shelf. Was afraid to use it because I believe there’s more after this life. But I am getting less afraid. I have to admit I would love to come back here in a few months and say.. hey, this is pretty good, as good as it gets and it feels good, but I just don’t see that happening. Not looking for fireworks, just something that feels safe and warm, but just not getting there… how much longer to keep looking when nothing fits after decades of looking for it? When is it time to surrender? I am going to say soon.
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so is that the only holdout, the possibility for better? Can’t say I have any more confidence in that than you have.
Though, it doesn’t have to get that much better, in my experience. I’m between episodes right now, I don’t feel a strong desire to die. That’d be the “hope” I’d offer; maybe as time goes by the desire fades, you find some good distractions.
but I have other reasons; not wanting to end my story that way, not wanting to leave behind the memory of what I might do. Those two are holding pretty solid.
trust and love, they have to be built, it takes some time. So even if there is someone around worth it, it’ll take awhile before that acceptance sinks in. IDK what I’m trying to offer, to communicate; there are people out there worth it. I have a few, and a few is all it takes.
Only you can decide when enough is enough, and when you want to quit. It sounds like you’re getting close, and that’s okay, really.
Thank you.
Yes, maybe some other distractions will help, although not really sure about that anymore. I am glad though that you are in between episodes and hope you can stay there. I think having those few close people can help. They would miss you. Maybe I can find something soon because yes I am getting close. It feels like it’s becoming real and that it is okay.
When is it time to surrender? I would say at conception. It’s too bad some of us weren’t aborted right away; would have been MUCH better to not exist than to live a life of perpetual agony. FML.