I miss being that special person. Someone’s favorite. I miss mattering that much to a person. To her. She said I made her feel like she mattered, like she was worth loving. She made me feel that way too. And now she’s gone. I really doubt she’s coming back this time. I have stuff I got on her birthday still, April 1st, in my closet. I was going to give them to her once we were able to see each other again irl. I still have the bear she gave me. I still have the necklace I made in art class I was going to give to her. I was writing her a book of poems with little drawings in it and it was going to be my way of expressing my love for her the best I could. Which granted, probably still isn’t enough. Do I consider this the end of the relationship? Am I technically single now?
I still care about you. Deeply. I hope you’re at least alive. You seemed so scared that I was going to leave you. You deserve better really. I’m nothing.
I feel so fucking stupid
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My heart breaks for you. The pain you are feeling is so familar. Familiar, but somehow so much worse. The way you speak about her, it seems that there was something really special there. I understand why you would want to hold on so tightly. To never let go as long as you live. I’m so sorry. I really am. I know that this won’t make you feel better. Hell it will probably make you feel worse. But even though for whatever reason that she is gone, those moments you had with her were really something. It might seem easier to try and forget those memories. So that they don’t hurt you. But I think that you should put them in a box. Not necessarily forgotten, but not necessarily there to torture you. Just to remember something nice. If that makes sense. I hope that things get better for you.
It was special, at least to me. I don’t know what she would feel about it. Sometimes I think she felt she was forced to try and love me, but damn, it would be so hard. I just wish I knew what I did wrong. I just really, really hope she’s not dead. I have a feeling she’s not, but it’s a worry that’s always plagued me. So much feels like my fault. Hell, it was what made me realize that I’m not much more than a pile of rot. My heart is tired, tired of feeling anything. I’ve gotten a bit better at boxing everything up, living in my long forgotten fantasy world almost exclusively – the only thing that keeps me sane. I don’t think I deserve love.
It’s good to know someone relates/understands this kind of pain along with everything else. A lot of people would say it’s stupid because I’m so young. But we’ve been together since 2017, with about 2.5 years of complete silence from her before. Idk. Everything is so difficult. Why bother feeling anything anymore?
I’m not sure. It is true that you are young. However, those formative years in highschool have a certain magic to them. From what I understand, they are much different than adult relationships, but I’m not sure how or by how much. No real experience. Regardless, if it was special to you then it was special to you.
I understand that desire for an answer. The thing is, it’s just going to drive you crazy. You will analyze every interaction and expression to try to solve this big puzzle that you think will make you feel better when you have it assembled. Unfortunately in my experience it’s only going to get better when you accept that you will never get that answer. And even if you do, there’s no answer that will be satisfying. That’s just the nature of the world.
I understand that it is exhausting. I’m tired just trying to put all this into words. Things like this don’t determine someone’s worth I think. Regardless of how she treated you, it doesn’t say anything about you. It’s really dumb, but you are the only one that can determine your worth. So I guess just try to be kind to yourself. As hard as it is.