I wonder if I might be a bad person. They say that if you’re concerned about being a bad person that you’re probably not, but…I push people away, or cause them harm, even though I don’t mean to. There’s been consideration about whether or not I’m a narcissist. I can’t tell one way or the other. For example, I’ll be interacting with someone and they’ll become angry over something I said or did (or didn’t do). And all the while, I have a hard time seeing what it was that caused such reactions. This has happened more times than I care to elaborate on.
I feel guilty because I’ve caused people harm, and I also feel sad & confused, because I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is in myself that I need to adjust.
2 comments
i thought you knew what major issues you had. you were diagnosed with disorders that have a broad range of characteristics which you fit. yes, you might have some narcissistic traits but you are not a true narcissist. you care and feel remorse about causing harm to others. from what i read we cannot change that much about ourselves when it comes to personality disorders. we have to just accept it. a true narcissist could fake it REALLY well though. you can’t which is a good thing.
it does help a lil bit to know our feelings (or lack thereof) are not as abnormal as we once thought. still sucks cuz for some odd reason we want to be able to love and care like other folks can and we simply cannot.
oh i think i told you i found articles that explained how folks in a relationship with a person who has personality disorders can make it work. should give those to your friends and family …well if you already shared your diagnosis with them.
personally, i am fascinated there are so many folks like us that they have actual medical classifications and stuffs. i really am glad to learn how the different personality disorders are on a spectrum. after watching the tv show dexter and relating to just about every single aspect of dexter’s personality, i was VERY concerned. like one of the few differences was the fact i have never killed anybody or had some weird urge to do it. def thought about killing a few folk but never had some compulsion i could not control like dexter has. i thought being a sociopath was the same as being a psychopath. glad to know it’s not.
Assuming your diagnosis is correct, then the distortion in your reality would make you think you were a bad person even if you weren’t. Just, we’ve got to start with that. You’ve got to start with being aware with what is wrong with your perception, or at least with what has been measured. That measurement itself might be wrong, but it’s the information you’ve got.
That’s the one effective thing I’ve gotten out of therapy. If there’s a disordered thought pattern, challenge it. My disordered brain likes to think I’m a failure, or that others don’t like me. But is it true? Usually not, turns out.
So that’s what the me that is a recovering mental head case will say to you.
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Then there’s what the me that’s a philosopher will tell you, which is that good and bad are points of view, usually economic and highly dependent on cultural norms. Modern norms for good and bad are really biased for the generations that are alive right now. In a decade, maybe two, we’re going to look worse, chances are. We don’t look great now.
That’s an interesting point. Are you any kind of bigot? No point in not being direct. Do you discriminate based on race, gender or sexuality? If not you’re a leg up on half the species right now. Do you hate poor people? No? Leg up on at least a quarter. If you advocate for any of the above you’re practically a saint.
The bar is just so low for half decent human being. Maybe it’s where I live. Normal people accidentally harm people, but if you make a reasonable effort to correct it….. your’e still within the realm of decent human being. Again, this is within my judgement.
You can’t please everyone. If you can keep the people that matter, that is the people who you care about relatively pleased with you, I’d say you’re as good as anyone can hope to be.
We’ll all be monsters in the eyes of our grandchildren if they get a full and accurate account of all that we did. Thank goodness for the collective forgetfulness of the human race.