Every day I wake up to this hell scape I’m supposed to call a home, it completely horrific and unbearable. It’s been this way for my whole life, the terror, the constant feeling of drowning or unable to breathe. I just want it all to end, but it never does. I don’t know how people do it, go on about their lives as if the world isn’t falling in on it self. It’s scary, I feel so alone and desolated from everyone, it feels like I’m the only one seeing and experiencing this. I’m tired and mentally exhausted, I just want someone to acknowledge what I’m going through and tell me it’s going to be alright without invalidating any of my feelings or thoughts as nonsense. I feel belittled and not important, I feel like the way I’ve interacted with people , they’re constantly disregarding how I’m feeling. That I should get over it. It demeaning , it makes me feel not human, like I’m some disgusting messed up creature that doesn’t belong anywhere. I don’t know why people are like this. I feel like humans should feel more empathetic and considerate . But instead it feels like I’m living with a species that all they do is constantly take and never gives back. That sounds like a parasite to me. But what do I know, I’m just mentally ill so my feelings aren’t valid.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
5 comments
it sounds like you’re starting to dissociate from the rest of the world, it’s a defense mechanism where you seperate yourself from the outside world, a vast chain of options within the “freeze” response.
You’d be surprised to know that a conditioned version of this response is how much of the professional psychiatric world functions. If not for a certain ability to dissociate, most adults wouldn’t function. You’d be surprised how much of my job is teaching other adults how to dissociate, and you figured it out on your own. So I’m saying you’ve got something going for you.
It’s running a bit over. You run it over you over withdraw to the point of non function. That’s where it becomes mental illness. That’s what it sounds like you’re describing to me someone who experienced similar things.
So, my opinion is that your perception can be flawed AND the outside world can be actively toxic to you at once. Sure. However, I’ve never gone in for the perception that how it is right here in this moment is how it will be, or how it is somewhere else. Maybe somewhere else it isn’t like this, eh? Or maybe sometime else?
Because I always considered my own happiness as hopeless as a dead octopus at the bottom of the ocean, but then I ran into HP Lovecraft who made me look at it another way; that is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aons even death may die.
So with the same hope I have for sea monsters, and civilization destroying storms, I hope for some quiet place where even odd creatures like us could live in peace. Somewhere, at some time.
Oh I forgot entirely the irony to me; I was discussing the state of the world with my wife earlier tonight, as we do sometimes, and I believe that is exactly how I described it; a nightmare hellscape.
but I’ve lived with it a fairly long amount of time. I know where there are places to hide from it.
We definitely need to up the amount of community we’re doing as a species, given the hellscape amount, but I can only do what I can here, and locally in my physical sphere. That’s the only relief there is though, better cooperation, higher efficiency. It’s how humanity has cracked every other issue in history.
I’m digging in though, prepping for a couple century to couple thousand year “dark ages” while humanity refuses to clean up after itself for religious reasons. That’s honestly where all the compasses are pointed right now.
All the rational kind people I know are trying their hardest but also bags packed ready to head to bunkers….. or that could be my diseased mind. perceptions a funny thing. I’m less attached to mine.
If your mentally ill, then I must be mentally ill too. Because I completely understand how you feel. It seems like talking about it helps you to some degree, so please pull up a chair and share whatever’s on your mind. Sometimes it helps.
Either way I hope things get better and you feel more heard or feel more seen. Nothing feels worse than feeling insignificant.
It’s going to be alright.
You’re not crazy for feeling the way you do. The world is a scary, lonely place. But, that’s not all it is. There’s more to the world than fear and loneliness, if you can try to open your eyes to it. You need a hug, bad 🙁 I hope you get one.