Lot on my mind. As usual. Next week is my last week for my internship. I came into it expecting to fail, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Last month or so I’ve just been working on a stupid report that bores me to fucking tears. Last week or so been dicking around more than usual because I can’t be bothered to try anymore. My mentor has gotten to the point where all he can say about my report is that it is “readable”. I can tell he’s already sick of me. I tell myself that I don’t care what he or anyone at the company thinks. Why should I? But it still bothers me. Wish I could say otherwise. This thing was kind of like a test to see if I could make it in industry. Obviously I fell flat on my face again. So my master’s isn’t going good and my internship was a bust. So the only thing that keeps ringing in my head is the third option. The option that’s always on my mind. Some might call it sad that I’d kill myself because I wasn’t a good enough engineer, but I ask “why not?” It’s not like I have anything else going on in my life. No girlfriend, only a handful of friends who probably wouldn’t even notice if I dipped, family on the other side of the country who are too wrapped up in their own problems to give a shit. What else do I have? This profession is my reason to live. The only thing I’ve got. And I’m no good at it. I’ve struggled for so long trying to figure out my purpose. My point. I picked something and clung to it, but it just didn’t stick. Now I’m left with nothing really. I’ve asked different people about it and they all give me different answers. Wish any of them meant anything to me, but they don’t. I don’t know how this is supposed to end. But at the end of all things, does it even matter? I can’t help but feel that if I just let go I’d be better off. Free from all these worries. These fears. Isn’t that what everyone wants? This was just a stream of consciousness type beat. Sometimes it do be like that.
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That must be so hard, finding the one thing to live for and then just… feeling like complete shit at it/failing. The one purpose you found, especially if you just can’t seem to find anything else. I wish I could say something of substance but all I can say is that I’m sorry you’re going through all this atm. But you matter, and I hope you can either succeed in this or find another purpose to help you keep going, find something to live for. I know it’s hard when there’s just nothing. I hope things take a turn for the better for you.
Thanks for the kind words ad always. Sorry I haven’t been able to reciprocate lately. Just been out of it for a bit.
Don’t be sorry it’s not a problem, I don’t mind either way. Just wish I could say more/better. Take care of yourself
Isn’t that the sunk cost fallacy though? You’ve put all this effort into this career that isn’t producing the results you want. As a result, other things have been lower priority. This was a bet you made that this would turn out to be a fulfilling thing.
Geez, I started out saying try not to be cruel, but here we are anyway; Not every bet is going to play out, and sometimes there’s nothing you can do to change that outcome. So, how much effort is it worth? I doubt it’s worth the rest of your life. You seem pretty bright and productive, even if your career hasn’t rewarded that, I’d bet you’ve still got some good years ahead. Might they be better spent?
If you’re reviewing the options, that’s got to be a reasonable place to take stock.
I don’t know. Maybe. I’m sure if I looked at it I could find some way to make something out of my life. But at a certain point I feel like I should just walk away. That the whole living thing just wasn’t for me. I just don’t feel the need to keep searching and searching and searching for the thing that will finally make my life worth living. Be that a purpose or a person.
well, you’d have to set an energy/time budget for the finding a new purpose project, what it would look like successful, when it would be time to accept that something meaningful can’t be found.
From where I sit, death is more work. It’s more resources and the amount of help for it is not enough. In the moment, emotionally satisfying a final middle finger to the world. However, lead up is hard, and if it doesn’t work afterwards is worse. It’s final is the real kicker. I don’t believe for sure in anything after, my assumption is you push off and there’s nothing.
I’m jazzed for nothing, nothing sounds lovely. I guess my ego and pride still want people when I’m gone to tell stories for a long time. That’s it for life after death IMHO, whoever still has a good story about you.
It’s a value question though and those are so subjective. I think a human life is worth more than the pain I’m in. However when that pain gets too much, when it isn’t worth it, that’s an individual decision. Do you feel like you are approaching that?
I’ve been where you are. I don’t know how old you are but are you able to pivot into something that requires a similar skillet at the very least. I don’t know what kind of engineer you are, but I figure you can pivot to a different STEM field and manage well enough.
Props to you for sticking that out btw, engineering is a ***** to learn.
It’s a rough thing when we’re so set on one specific path and it fails and we have to pivot to something else.