I took the day off today, I mentally feel like shit.
I’m dreading seeing my family, who aren’t bad people in any way, I’m just the problem. I must be crazy or something.
I’m so in my own head a lot of the time.
Days blur together and I’m not doing enough.
I’m just so aware that I’m damaged goods. I’m my own worst enemy.
I have days like this, where I just wake up and know it’s not happening. Sometimes I force myself and push through. Other times, like today, I can’t do it.
It’s why I don’t bother try to explain what my deal is to family or friends a lot of the time. Because I know I’m a mess. That I’m the problem.
I should be happy to see them all, and part of me is. But I just feel like I’m not good enough for anyone. Not right now anyway.
I don’t know. I’ve put off therapy (unintentionally) at this point for months now. I’m unable to express myself to this degree to anyone in my actual life, because none of them need to be burdened by me and my internal bullshit.
So I speak to you, glorious strangers of the internet, with my own hidden voice, under the guise of someone that seems more together here than in the real world, who seem to get how I feel outside of a lot of the overt platitudes of the average individual. I say to you all, I lean more toward your side. I’ve been here for years after all.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
1 comment
We can help, maybe look at your lifestyle and identify areas you could meet people and work on relationship skills if that’s something you’d like.
We can discuss the reasons being vulnerable with others is so difficult. You may find seperating your issues from your identity liberating, I have. I’m free to be my full awful self on here, compared to the composed teddy bear I present to the world.
All humans are a mess though, to some extent. What do you call a human who isn’t a mess? Hiding something. It’s why we can only really function in community. Community sands down the sharp edges caused by us being a mess.
And frankly, I think that’s where life is failing you. You need people to need you to be around, and that you like as well. These should be outside of family, a friend group does so much to mitigate stress I cannot say enough for mine.
When you have those kind of connections, then you have the confidence to set boundaries with family and develop healthier family relationships.
So goes theory anyway, it isn’t one size fits all, different people are different levels of social. Some people need only one friend a few days a year! Others need dozens for hours every day. Oh dear, well I don’t need it, it’s forced on me right now half a dozen a day eight solid hours. I like it okay, but it’s more than I generally need. Sometimes more than I want. I can get overwhelmed.