I don’t want to be this anymore. I’m pointlessly miserable. And I don’t know how to stop. I’ve made myself so fucking alone & isolated. I can’t relate to other people anymore. Not really.
I just want to stop. I’m so sick of myself. These thoughts, these feelings. I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate everyone. I hate reality. And that’s fucking pointless. To make yourself miserable over things you can’t change. But I can’t stop.
This life is for nothing. All it does is delay the inevitable. Delaying the leap into the void. On the off-chance that there’s something beyond death, and maybe it’s worse.
This isn’t a reality I can take. I need some fucking way out of this. I need something to shake up my brain enough that I don’t see things this way anymore. I’ve been putting off psychedelics, because I’m scared. I’m scared of a bad trip. I’m scared what my psyche will do to me if I give it the opportunity. I’m scared of time stretching so it feels like an age. I’m scared of hell.
Fear is my defining experience.
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“I just want to stop. I’m so sick of myself. These thoughts, these feelings. I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate everyone. I hate reality. And that’s fucking pointless. To make yourself miserable over things you can’t change. But I can’t stop.”
–Same here. Exactly the same. What do we do with ourselves? We aren’t living, nor offing ourselves. I’ve made myself even more isolated and alone than you. You at least talk to a few ppl. Me? I’ve given up trying to talk to others. Just leaves me with more disappointment.
Why do you want to do psychedelics? I hear depressed ppl are more likely to have bad trips. So…if you’re already like this, I’m not sure ppl like us take it. I hear they make ppl even MORE introspective than we already are. The only psychedelic that I would even consider would be psilocybin. But yeah, I wouldn’t want a bad trip, especially since we can’t control when we get out of it.
Why do you want to do psychedelics? I hear depressed ppl are more likely to have bad trips. So…if you’re already like this, I’m not sure ppl like us take it. I hear they make ppl even MORE introspective than we already are. The only psychedelic that I would even consider would be psilocybin. But yeah, I wouldn’t want a bad trip, especially since we can’t control when we get out of it.
missing a word- should be – I’m not sure ppl like us should take it.
Mainly because they seem to have the potential to shift your perspective – to change you. To open your mind and let go of things. And I need that. I really need to not see the world this way anymore, to not feel like this anymore. To not be who I am.
As far as I can tell, aside from bad trips (which sound terrible), the only risks are to those susceptible to schizophrenia. I’m scared of a bad trip – but maybe it’s worth the risk, for a chance to live again.
well, if u ever try it, let us know how it went, whether good or bad. that way, i can see if i might want to try it as well. i’m curious about psilocybin, but afraid of a bad trip. not just a bad trip like during, but AFTER. i hear for some, it can really mess you up. ppl who love psilocybin are usually experienced at other drugs, so who know what it’ll do for drug virgins like us. and add depressed and anxious on top of that which usually leads to bad trips/bad experiences.
but…we’ll never know if we don’t try.
Will do. Like I said, the only long-term risks seem to be to people vulnerable to schizophrenia. I suppose if a trip was bad enough, possibly it could traumatize you? Mostly, it seems like the response to a really bad trip is to just to never want to do it again.
I don’t think use of other drugs makes much of a difference, it seems to activate different parts of the brain to them. But yeah, I’m sure anxiety & depression can make a difference to the kind of experience you have. Seems kind of like your mind can confront you with unresolved issues, so if you have a lot I can see that being more upsetting. The main thing seems to be to not try to fight it or control it, whatever the experience is, but just let it happen & reach its own resolution.
Have you done any smaller trips? What were the results? I’ve used drugs with psychadelic elements, but never the hard stuff on that score. I could 100% get to it if I wanted it.
Also, where do you stand with your anxiety? Have you ever been assessed for it? Dominated by fear is one of those triggers that makes clinicians check for PTSD and anxiety, or it’s supposed to. Again why I’m recommending shorter trips, because if you have anxiety for example that’s less of a risk, it’s easier.
This is another me being an inhuman monster, my attitude towards fear isn’t healthy, it’s masochistic, I put myself into situations that wind me up just to figure my way out. OR SOMETHING, the cause is unclear, but I don’t seem to know how to avoid for fear. And then it gets me into trouble, because my estimation of my limitations is inaccurate.
Let me tell you that, unless you ride your kidneys and liver regular, they will not produce reliable results. IE drinking, getting high, etc. Then of course if you do, it shortens your life, or so they keep telling me.
Getting high with someone else around seems to help, being alone is the biggest predictor of bad trips, and the entire premise of therapeudic psychadelics is that you have someone sober listening to you and affirming you as needed.
” my attitude towards fear isn’t healthy, it’s masochistic, I put myself into situations that wind me up just to figure my way out. ”
-is that really a bad thing? i used to do that when i was younger, back when i apparently had more confidence. it feels great to overcome things, rather than live in perpetual fear. i’ve been on both sides so trust me when i say taking the challenge head on is MUCH better, masochistic and all. Rotting in perpetual fear is a horrible thing.
No, been putting off trying anything, though obviously the smart approach is to start small. I’ve been highly anxious for most of my life. Primarily social anxiety, but it’s grown into this kind of existential fear. I’m also extremely avoidant, so my approach to anything I fear is to put it off/try not to think about it as much as possible.
Not really sure what you mean about liver and kidneys, as far as I know most psychedelics have little to no physical side effects (they don’t seem to work like other drugs.)
I would be alone, and that’s scary. Even if I had someone who could watch over me, I couldn’t risk blabbing my darkest secrets in a mind-altered state. From what I’ve seen of therapeutic psychedelic use, a lot of the time the therapist/sitter doesn’t actually do anything. So it seems like it should be possible to have a meaningful experience without one. But I don’t know… maybe the whole idea is stupid, and I’m just grasping at straws. I feel like I need something fundamental to change in my mind, and I don’t have the ability to consciously do it myself.
Def have someone you trust enough to guide you.
Had a brief stint with CBDs to try to help me relax and sleep, and I took gummies for the first time, it was an interesting experience. I had a friend who’d done it multiple times guide me when things felt like they were going to shit ( I thought I was having some kinda seizure at one point briefly), and it turned out I was worried about nothing. So yeah, maybe CBD gummies?