I never knew what the hell was wrong with him all these years. I always felt like something was off. But I started watching some guy named Jerry Wise on YouTube recently and he describes what a narcissist is. His videos describe my dad to a T.
What Jerry was talking about wasn’t anything new. I kinda already suspected my dad might be one but his examples, along with other peoples just gives me further proof.
He’s overly critical over small inconveniences and mistakes that I cause.
The other day I was cooking myself some breakfast. I cracked an egg, dropped it into the pan. I turned on the gas stove, and then my dad immediately starts yelling at me and asking: “DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK AN EGG?!” And of course he had that ugly scowl that he’s often wearing. At this point I think his face just got stuck like that a long time ago. I tell him: “of course I’ve cooked an egg before” He then gets up and smacks my arm to get me to get out of the way and then points out that I didn’t get the flames under the stove top to start. He was right, I didn’t. So while I understand his concern, he didn’t have to blow up on me like that and I explained that to him. That was a mistake because it only made him angrier.
But that’s his way of doing things. All he knows how to do is intimidate, ridicule, and criticize everything I do.
He then proceeded to rant about it for over an hour and how it connects to every other avenue of my life.
It sucks that I’m here again, under his roof. I am grateful for shelter, he did raise me for several years and I’d be in a rougher situation right now if it weren’t for him. He lives in a nice suburban house on the safe side of town. He still has control over me all these years because I decided to “self-medicate” with alcohol and became an alcoholic. It got me in all kinds of legal trouble. I lost my car, my drivers license, and I don’t say that to blame anyone else except myself. I didn’t have to choose alcohol but I did. Alcohol allowed me to shamelessly be myself and not be so afraid at home all the time. His sober temper tantrums didn’t bother me when I was drunk. It was like discovering invincibility against his wrath. My dad wasn’t an abusive drunk, he was an abusive sober person. The only thing he’s ever drunk off of is rage.
I don’t know how exactly, but I do think he loves me in his own twisted way. He doesn’t have to let me stay under his roof while I get my life together. Truth is, I’m tempted to pack up my stuff, get on my electric scooter and make way towards a homeless shelter or sober living place. I reckon once I get a few hundred bucks, fix up my scooter, buy 2 extra batteries for mileage, contact a sober living home, I’ll be able to escape safely. I’ll try to make as much money as I can while I’m here, $4000 is the goal, but the moment he starts driving me insane again, I’m out of here.
Everything makes sense now, it’s never been more clear than it is now. It’s like I understand myself more now that I understand him.
I wish he wasn’t like this but I can’t take it anymore. I won’t let my 30’s go to waste like my 20’s. I don’t know why but sometimes I still feel like a kid.
1 comment
Sounds like a pain. Can’t say I know too much about narcissists or how to deal with them. I had a grandmother who I’m pretty sure was one, but I steered clear of her as much as I could.
It sucks when they make you feel like a kid. Like someone who can’t stand on their own two feet. Hope your plan works out and you’re able to find a stable place to live at. Who knows, you might find a decent job and get an apartment. Hope things go your way man.