I never knew what the hell was wrong with him all these years. I always felt like something was off. But I started watching some guy named Jerry Wise on YouTube recently and he describes what a narcissist is. His videos describe my dad to a T.
What Jerry was talking about wasn’t anything new. I kinda already suspected my dad might be one but his examples, along with other peoples just gives me further proof.
He’s overly critical over small inconveniences and mistakes that I cause.
The other day I was cooking myself some breakfast. I cracked an egg, dropped it into the pan. I turned on the gas stove, and then my dad immediately starts yelling at me and asking: “DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK AN EGG?!” And of course he had that ugly scowl that he’s often wearing. At this point I think his face just got stuck like that a long time ago. I tell him: “of course I’ve cooked an egg before” He then gets up and smacks my arm to get me to get out of the way and then points out that I didn’t get the flames under the stove top to start. He was right, I didn’t. So while I understand his concern, he didn’t have to blow up on me like that and I explained that to him. That was a mistake because it only made him angrier.
But that’s his way of doing things. All he knows how to do is intimidate, ridicule, and criticize everything I do.
He then proceeded to rant about it for over an hour and how it connects to every other avenue of my life.
It sucks that I’m here again, under his roof. I am grateful for shelter, he did raise me for several years and I’d be in a rougher situation right now if it weren’t for him. He lives in a nice suburban house on the safe side of town. He still has control over me all these years because I decided to “self-medicate” with alcohol and became an alcoholic. It got me in all kinds of legal trouble. I lost my car, my drivers license, and I don’t say that to blame anyone else except myself. I didn’t have to choose alcohol but I did. Alcohol allowed me to shamelessly be myself and not be so afraid at home all the time. His sober temper tantrums didn’t bother me when I was drunk. It was like discovering invincibility against his wrath. My dad wasn’t an abusive drunk, he was an abusive sober person. The only thing he’s ever drunk off of is rage.
I don’t know how exactly, but I do think he loves me in his own twisted way. He doesn’t have to let me stay under his roof while I get my life together. Truth is, I’m tempted to pack up my stuff, get on my electric scooter and make way towards a homeless shelter or sober living place. I reckon once I get a few hundred bucks, fix up my scooter, buy 2 extra batteries for mileage, contact a sober living home, I’ll be able to escape safely. I’ll try to make as much money as I can while I’m here, $4000 is the goal, but the moment he starts driving me insane again, I’m out of here.
Everything makes sense now, it’s never been more clear than it is now. It’s like I understand myself more now that I understand him.
I wish he wasn’t like this but I can’t take it anymore. I won’t let my 30’s go to waste like my 20’s. I don’t know why but sometimes I still feel like a kid.
4 comments
Sounds like a pain. Can’t say I know too much about narcissists or how to deal with them. I had a grandmother who I’m pretty sure was one, but I steered clear of her as much as I could.
It sucks when they make you feel like a kid. Like someone who can’t stand on their own two feet. Hope your plan works out and you’re able to find a stable place to live at. Who knows, you might find a decent job and get an apartment. Hope things go your way man.
Thanks man, I actually just got a job today at McDonalds. It’s not much but it’s better than nothing. I was desperate for a job. I found a handful of housing posts on Craigslist. I’m gonna start asking questions and planning things out.
The nice thing now that I’m older and an adult is that even though my father acts like he has ultimate control over me, I can always legally walk out that front door and never look back no matter how much he disapproves.
I’m just staying under the radar for a bit until I can save enough. I really want to defend myself during his daily arguments and outbursts over petty things. It’s a real challenge to just take his verbal abuse. I’m just glad that the hiring manager at McDonalds told me I’d be working late so that means that by the time he gets back home from work, I’ll be on my way out the door.
The less time I have to be around him, the better.
get to know his schedule and maybe avoid being in the house when he is home? or stay mostly in your room. definitely get some money saved up first before moving out- i know not ideal but rent will erase most of the money you make.
and oh yes, i definitely KNOW what it’s like growing up with fucking narcissists- my mother and sister are one. UGH. to grow up with a normal fucking family or at least normal loving parents would have been my saviour- I am the way I am BECAUSE of THEM- bc of my asshole mother and asshole father. BOTH were/are assholes. And BOTH were/are selfish af. One is insane (my mother) and the other was just shitty (father). Just my luck eh? I won the asshole parents lottery. -_-
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about staying out of the house when he’s home. It just sucks that I live in Arizona. It’s been triple digit heat for several days now. Thankfully we’re gonna start going down next week into the 90’s and even high 80’s in temperature. I’ll probably just hang out at the local library.
I’m sorry to hear about your parents. I’m lucky in a way because my mom wasn’t a narcissist.