I had another therapy session with my psychiatrist. I basically told him all the stuff I say on here. Pretty much verbatim. He did say that my suicidal ideation is just a weird defense mechanism. A way to “calm” myself because thinking it means I always have an escape exit. An escape exit I never take, but still an escape exit. This is pretty accurate. If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be 8+ years worth of posts on here from me. There would be like 1 or 2 and I would be in the ground. I told him that I don’t like people. That they make me uncomfortable and I’m comfortable alone. How I like being alone but I don’t like the way it makes me feel sometimes. It was 45 minutes, but it felt much shorter than that and I can’t even remember everything he said. He did say I was using my time well though. Giving good stuff to work with. So I guess that’s fine.
Nothing feels right. The situation doesn’t feel right. I keep going to school and working on the robot and going grocery shopping and writing these posts, but none of it feels right. Not totally wrong, but still not right. Like everything is slightly crooked. I still can’t see what’s going to happen after this. The easiest answer is I get a job and then I do everything in my power not to get fired and I repeat this process for 40 odd years. Then I guess I retire and stare at the wall waiting to die. The reason why this answer is easy is because it is very paint by numbers sort of future. Not something really concrete or descriptive. Just something you say when other people ask “So what’s next?” I told him about that fight between the anchor and the voice. That thing I don’t quite understand that keeps me going and that non stop noise telling me to do a dry dive off a high rise. How I don’t care which one wins, I just want one of them to win and get it over with. Either I commit to living and never think about jamming a gun barrel into my mouth again or I finally just get it over with and kill myself already. He said I cared a little. I guess that’s true. I’m invested in the sense that I’ll be doing whatever ends up winning. I told him I want to understand the anchor better. So that way if I know both sides clearly, I can figure out a way to tip the scales in any direction. I guess I’ve only ever thought about overcoming the anchor because I can’t really imagine a world where I don’t hate myself and not think about killing myself. But like I said in order for it to happen I need to be driven into a corner. There’s no other way. I saw it a bit a few weeks ago when I was loosing it over all the problems with my robot. It drove me to pointing a box cutter at my own throat but not enough to finally do it. So it just resulted in a pointless show for no one. So the question is how bad do things need to get before I can just shut up and get it over with?