This is only the second training I’ve ever done specifically dealing with suicide, but this one is by far much more wrong. The first one was sponsored by SAMSA and performed by a veteran psychologist for psychology majors, it was comprehensive and not bad.
This one was sponsored by some mental health organization I’ve never heard of, done by social workers for social workers. I didn’t have high expectations going in to be fair. It was “mental health first aid”, an almost ludicriously oversimplification of maybe people should bother to be literate in common mental disorders.
I could have taught this course, despite never seeing it until Tuesday this week. Then again, I might not respect myself afterwards.
There were a couple complete damn lies about suicide and the people that commit. They really wanted to make it sound temporary…………. and I guess for some people, but come on there are at least five of us with treatment resistant depression on here. There’s living with that, sure, but they make it sound like everyone can get out when that is a total lie.
The whole time I’m trying to figure out how much is safe to disclose. TBH, most material about suicidal people assumes we’re emotionally immature and or stupid. I think it’s bait. I have as much self loathing at various times as anyone else with depression and anxiety, but I don’t think I’m emotionally immature. It’s a complex and nuanced situation I have with death, most of you can back me up.
Yet again I’m more satisfied to have kept my cover going than I am with anything else. Someday the mask is going to slip all the way off, people are going to know what a truly sick puppy I’ve been. My therapist and treatment team got a close up view last week.
I guess it’s bittersweet. I’m glad that somewhere within the halls of the state agency, someone is trying to make us deal with mental illness better than we currently do. It’s ONLY 60 years overdue.
It’s also helping me make sense of the change I’m seeing in the agency. When I set the boundary, that it’s either rest or I walk, they give me rest now, that’s NEW. Despite their refusal to pay us better, there seems to be a real shortage of us and they actually see that and don’t have their heads all the way up their own rear ends. The effort being made to retain me…. makes me feel things.
I still don’t feel seen, if that isn’t clear enough. That they’re as misguided as they are, as immature frustrates me and I wish I was allowed to be more frustrated about it. I’d correct it.
They can’t see further than their own petty losses. They can’t see how they make people feel, and this isn’t just me this is other ex employees I have talked to. So an overture of self care and balance is a new song for this bird.
Speaking of, saw a beautiful hawk this morning. The hotel they put us up in is backed up to an airport which is a huge open field. Between the field and the hotel is a creek. They have to light up the parking lot, so those light fixtures make very good perches for birds of prey.
That’s something I haven’t made up my mind on, whether I want to do Falconry. I love the beauty of the birds, but I don’t think I’m ready for the time commitment. Also I’m worried I might be into it for self injury reasons.
We covered that in training today too, self injury. That was much easier to conceal because my scars are so old. I ended up talking about my new one though, the desire to break a bone, but I didn’t talk about it related to me. It’s a lack of newness, or a lack of interesting newness I’m getting right now.
I don’t think we can get normal people to understand how discouraging having a chronic illness can be. I don’t think the idea of being chronically ill is something most people can understand. They can pretend to understand, but not well enough it seems.
They cling to their belief that everyone can get better, all the way. That’s so damaging, that they don’t do more to counter it.
It just seems like with a rapidly aging population the entire species is getting senile and out of touch. There was some good stuff in there about not being insensitive and a jerk, but I have no complaints there. It’s sad to me the standard in this state is to be insensitive, and a jerk. A few times it felt sarcastic when they said; “We aren’t customer service, because we care about people.” I get to hear the quiet part out loud more in this place.
It’s probably the safest harbor I’m going to find is the situation. A university would be better, but they wouldn’t pay me in this state. The stated intention is to serve the underserved. We can be really bad at it, but the intention remains to do the thing I believe in. It just requires a lot of faustian activities. Lots of transactional evil, because it may or may not matter on the larger scale, and I need the job.