Just now, I was still pushing. It’s currently 7:30 PM local time, I started working at 10 AM , and I had the thought;
“Who precisely am I trying to impress, who am I doing this for? There’s no point in pushing this hard.”
So I wrapped it up, finished my task and filled up a water and now I’m writing out my feelings about it because that is almost a reflex at this point. It’s hard not having a set schedule, after having one for so long. Maybe I needed to say that, just to admit it to myself.
I’m a workaholic. I like the feeling of productivity. When I get a project going I keep going with it for awhile. Right now it’s been cleaning. Today is trash day so it’s been getting as much trash out to the curb as possible, and there’s a lot. I could have done more, and that is exactly what it comes down to, should I have pushed harder?
However I’m looking at the only other human in my household, my wife, and she’s getting stressed, and I can’t help but feel I’m partially the cause. That how I act effects her. That I need to model good self care.
That’s what seperates the addict from the ordinary human; awareness of how their behavior effects those around them. An addict either doesn’t care, or cares more about their high. I swore long ago never to care more about anything more than about the people in my life. I may be all sorts of depraved and disgusting, but an addict I avoid being most days.
I just want to be a better boss to myself and others than my last boss was to me, and I’m trying.
I have this commune idea that I might get off the ground, some new prospects arrived today and I just need to puzzle out how to make them work. It’s the game of the mind, winning that is as important as the financial and the political game.