Couldn’t really pick a title so I chose both. Got 2 things on my mind.
I’m oddly content and I don’t know why. My situation hasn’t changed at all. Still going to flunk. Still don’t know what 2025 looks like. Still the same dumb ass who can’t even build a robot. But I’m still going at it. Spent all day in lab. Had so many issues that wanted me to smash me skull against a brick wall. But I still had some strange satisfaction when something went ok. Thinking CLARA actually looked decent. Then some dumb delusions started to pop up. For the briefest moment, I thought about it being nice to work on a PhD. Can’t really do that when I’m going to flunk the stuff before that. So when I was wondering why the good mood lately, a little voice popped in my head “Is it really so hard to believe you can be happy?” I was genuinely surprised a thought like that popped into my head. Then I figured it must be the anchor. That silent passive thing I talk about. It never says or does anything, it just keeps me from killing myself. So it was so strange that it started to talk. The other voice has been a little quieter lately. Usually it won’t shut up, but it only occasionally spoke up. I think they’re playing checkers up there. I would say chess, but my brain really isn’t that complicated. When one slips up, the other gain’s ground. They both look at little ways to dodge and dip around one another. I usually describe it as a tug of war, but this feeling doesn’t really feel like brute force yanking in any one direction. Just odd back and forth motions. If that makes any sense.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite. I don’t leave comments that often, but when I do I try to coax the person into seeing it’s not all bad. Advice or general sympathies. Well wishing and encouragement. But the thing is, I think that’s bullshit. For me. If someone came up to me and said the things I’ve said, I’d think they were a fucking idiot. Someone who has no fucking idea where I’m coming from. But for other people, I feel the need to try to make them feel better. Somehow. Playing devil’s advocate on why life can possibly get better. Just to try to soothe them a bit. It reminds me of this verse to this song I’ve been listening to lately.
Sympathy and love we can extend to someone else
But it’s harder when you have to love yourself.
That’s been unfortunately true in more ways than one for me.
I’ve always loved cheery songs that are horribly morbid and sad.
1 comment
Well, you’re trying and that counts for a lot. It’s getting harder to love myself as I get older, I have to work at it. Clearly I still feel I have some self punishing left to do. This is what it’s like having an alpha state that really seems to get stuff done; when you aren’t in it, you feel like you’ve angered your inner potential in some way.
When I don’t know what circumstances produced my extreme success when I had it. How much of that was actually me and how much was circumstance and dumb luck. I could be a big ol’ fraud, and I’d never know.
I mean unless I picked up that I didn’t get a research position when I applied for it. Several times this has happened.
and I’m just as full of it as anyone, on the occasion I do try to talk someone into taking more time, which is how I have to frame it, I say things that wouldn’t work on me, and they don’t work sure as ever.
No I have to puzzle out a whole bunch, and even then….. who’s to say whether I come to the right conclusion then? It’s quite a thing to fiddle with, will to live.