at 3:52pm on august 15, 2024, i attempted to commit suicide to flee from the foul words that escape the mouths of vile people, to flee from the troubles i must push through every day, to flee my imperfect body and personality affected by my severe depression so i can transform into another being. i, however, failed thanks to leaving my computer on. the pleading messages of my best friend were left on read, plainly on the screen of my computer. his words stunned me. he desperately wanted to know if i was okay. he cared to know if i was okay. tears fell from my eyes as i stepped down from my bed, soaking into the carpet. he cares, i thought.
since that day, i have been working every day to improve my mental health, rid of my suicidal thoughts, and find my purpose. there are so many people helping me get through this, most without knowing they’re helping me. i would like to thank aiden, liam, cass, jojo, jade, grayson, lukah, linzey, annabelle, madeline, brayden, maria, madison, and brianna. they have all been so kind to me, they show that they care. there are so many parts of myself helping me get through this. drawing, listening to music, making playlists, writing, sleeping, and practicing coping strategies all have been helping me get my mind distracted from these destructive, suicidal thoughts my head creates.
even though there are so many people and things impacting my mental health positively, sometimes it all just happens to not matter, it all goes to waste. no matter how much time i put into interacting with these kind people i’m lucky to be friends with and doing these distracting hobbies helping me rid of my negative thoughts and building myself up, i always end up being left in the dust with my negative thoughts, depression, and weeping in my bed once again. all of the progress i create on rebuilding myself and my mental health never adds up. my effort isn’t adding up.
what do i do?