I tried to kill myself again today. I’ve felt so bad these past few days. I’ve felt so angry, so miserable, and so lonely. I wanted to make new friends this new year, so I joined a bunch of Discord servers to make friends. But no matter where I went I was out of place. I felt like such a loser that I couldn’t even make friends online. I’ve tried to cope by doing things like writing or drawing when I feel bad, but I always end up feeling worse because nothing I ever try turns out correctly.
I couldn’t take it anymore and tonight I tried to hang myself in my room. I went further than I had before, but couldn’t go through with it in the end. The reality of what I was trying to do sunk in and I chickened out like the coward I am.
It’s 2:38AM as I write this, and I don’t know how to feel. My head hurts, my throat hurts, and I feel worse than I think I ever have in my life. I still want to die, but I’m scared of death. I don’t want to continue living this miserable, useless, lonely life, but I’m afraid. I’m so afraid and I don’t know what to do. This is a ramble and very pathetic, but I have no where else to go.
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Most people are afraid to die. Very very few aren’t and those that aren’t are people who have been driven into a corner. Surviving the way you did means you’re not quite there yet. There’s still time to avoid it.
It’s the fourth day of the year. Making friends is going to take time. I know it’s already been a long time, but this particular thing you were doing was new, right? How people make friends and how easy it is varies. For people like us who have spent a lot of our time alone, it’s a lot harder. Making online friends has it’s own challenges. Anonymity can help and it can hurt. But there are people out there that thrive with that sort of thing. It may take time, but I’m sure you’ll be able to meet someone who’s easy to talk to. Hope things get better for you.
Is it really so strange to be afraid of death though? Biology kind of makes it unavoidable, on a cellular level our bodies don’t want to die, they fight us. The desire to die is fighting against millions of years of adaptation. I don’t think enough suicidal people realize that their own bodies are their enemy, that the body is going to fight right up to the final breath.
Or at least mine has, maybe mine is extra stubborn.
I wish I could take your pain away so that you could be happy
As the Roy Orbison song goes “only the lonely, know the way I feel tonight”
At a certain low point in my life I had some fights with friends I invested in and thought they’d be there for the rest of my life.
But when SHTF, you begin to realize where people’s loyalties lie. While you thought this person could’ve become your best friend for years to come…to them, you could just be some guy in a middle or outer circle and they have others in their own inner circle.
My relations with family was strained (usually is)…and I had this ugly argument with these ‘best friends’ and for a short while I thought I had no more friends. Like I really thought we might be done for good…never see them again.
I had some loyal friends from high school that I thought I could always go back to, but over the years they move, they can’t be tracked down, can’t find them on social media, some are in other countries for work…so in effect they are no longer your friends.
For once in a very long time I felt truly alone…I think I cried after that…as a guy that’s extremely rare for me and only at really bad times in my life. I mean I had a few family members left so I wasn’t completely alone but close enough.
Fortunately after a few days or so, we sorted things out and I was back to being ‘normal’ again…but I learned to be less cavalier in my relationships and to take nothing for granted.
So I understand what it must feel like. When I was in HS and university, making friends wasn’t too hard, but keeping them is the problem.
In our current world with social media, relationships are more superficial than ever and people are more “judgey” about status too.
My close relative cut off all her friends…she married into a financially better family and I think the wealth got to her head. She told me she didn’t have time for her older friends and their problems….I tried to talk her into keeping them, as she had a good history with them but she wouldn’t listen.
Now she complains about not having friends, but still doesn’t regret cutting those people off. There was also some words of wisdom I came by…”you can choose to be right and alone, or be wrong and keep your friends.” Some people have to make sacrifices/swallow their pride so they still have people in their lives.
I did get a taste of what you’re going through…it won’t be easy to make new friends anywhere you go….but the key if you want to make new relationships is to put yourself in situations where people get to know you in a neutral place…like join a chess club, or take courses in school.
Never let them know you’re alone…just slowly build some contacts and they’ll become your friends in time.
Everyone here has many reasons to give up on liv.ing right now…but if we plan to keep going then we have to make life more acceptable for ourselves.