Something learned today: the professional ‘help’ that exists out there, no matter how kind and genuine the person offering it may seem, is not help to actually solve your problems, or support you practically in the ways you need, or console you. It’s help to keep you alive, even (and especially) if it’s against your fucking will, and to stop other people feeling guilty/BEING HELD LIABLE for your death. That’s it, nothing else to it. Your life and the question of its continuation is between yourself and God, and I think that’s how it’s meant to be. What I was looking for, have always been looking for, was a family of some kind, people who genuinely care about me; a HOME. When I finally learned I’d never find that, I chose peace. What I GOT was some rando fucking up my attempt then getting bounced around a load of medical staff not because any of them actually give a shit if I die, they don’t know me, why would they care? But because it’s their job to stop death (not pain, not disability, not fear, not suffering) without ANY consideration of the reasoning or consequences, and because they don’t want blood on their hands since they can’t handle an entirely self-imposed guilt about it, and it would be bad for optics or some shit.
I’m pissed as fuck and want to die even more now, because all being stopped did was show me how absolutely, BRUTALLY callous people are towards the suffering of others, and make what I’m already dealing with 10x worse. We put cats and dogs down without a second thought when they become inconvenient, and call it “easing their pain”. With humans we just leave ‘em to suffer, especially if they’re an inconvenience. I am suffering like hell, have no-one who genuinely gives a fuck about me and have no purpose, but I’m condemned to still be living because some deluded fuckwit couldn’t handle seeing the facts of life play out in front of them in real time, and a bunch of medical staff were too fucking good at their jobs. The worst part is I can’t use that method again, so my next attempt is gonna be painful and messy and it DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING NEED TO BE. YOU HAVE QUADRUPLED MY SUFFERING YOU SICK FUCK, HOW DARE YOU SAY YOU GIVE A SINGLE SHIT ABOUT REDUCING IT?!!
I’m pissed, tired as fuck, and all I fucking care about now is finding a way to finish the job. All these assholes have done is make me wanna rub it in their face as I croak that all their efforts were worth nothing and they couldn’t fucking stop me because I WANTED to go. I was HAPPY to go. Why the hell didn’t you JUST LET ME FUCKING GO ALREADY, FUCK.
2 comments
I knew a girl once who’s caretaker bought her the means to kill herself, which is just about the opposite to what you’re talking about, and she resented it and went out and killed other people. Not that I’m saying you would, just that these are the sort of things that caretakers think about.
I’m sorry, that it seems impersonal, that you’d rather they do nothing.
I’ve been on both sides.
As a caregiver, doing nothing is painful. Not that every caregiver is genuine, but for the genuine person who has a heart for the person they are trying to help, trying to let them harm themselves is not something caregivers are wired to do.
The real tragedy of it is that I support your right to die. If you sit down in the cold light of day, and take out any of the revenge quality, if it’s the best decision to die, I support you doing it. No one should be held against their will.
Our system is so warped though, live at any cost. When you feel trapped, it leads to making emotional decisions that might not be as good as the decisions you’d make otherwise. If life is such a great thing, it should be voluntary, not a set of shackles.
I tend to agree. I sought ‘ help’ and found out there is no ‘ help’. Watch your money, do not spend money seeking ‘help’. I must have spent tens of thousands on supposed ‘ help’. An error on my part, a substantial error which I have now corrected.