The mirror reflects a face unknown,
A hollow gaze, a heart of stone.
No spark to light the endless dark,
Just endless night, a fading spark.
i’m not even living anymore. i’m just existing. it’s only been one year since i got depression, but i feel like i don’t have anything left worth living for. no friends, no future. my father said im just being a dramatic teenager – haha maybe he’s right
i’m being sent to boarding school next year, i haven’t had a friend in the last 3 years, and i’m emotionally disconnected from my family. my parents don’t understand the literal concept of mental health and never would i feel comfortable telling them anything i feel.
im so tired of everything. im trying so hard everyday not to cut and still end up scratching my arms and hitting my head and i don’t know what to do anymore. im failing as a student, as a sister, and as a daughter. im on break right now and have only left my room to eat for the last week. i can’t make myself do anything anymore even if i know i need to study, need to move, need to eat more
im just scared what ctb would do to my mother. even if she never does and never will understand what im going through, i know she still cares and i don’t know what i can do to lessen the pain if im gone. i’ve thought through hypothetical plans but i think i’m too much of a coward to fully commit to any of them right now.
but im going to do it. i just don’t know when yet. life’s too long and there’s too much hurt waiting for me. please get me away from the pandemonium in my head.
to my teachers, i’m sorry i’ve been doing so bad in your classes, i’m sorry i desperately used chatgpt on my last essay even if you never found out
to my sister, i’m sorry i was never there for you as an older sibling. you’ve said you wished i was never born, and funnily enough, i do too. im sorry i don’t play with you, share things with you, talk to you about your troubles at school. i’m sorry i never sat by you when our parents fought because i was too busy crying in my own room.
to mom and everyone else who cared about me, i’m sorry if what i’m going to do hurts you. i’m not worth that much and i hope you can move on. i noticed the way you’ve said sweeter things, gave me more compliments, smiled at me in the morning once you realized there was something wrong with me, even if you don’t understand it. but that’s not the mother i know. the mother i know would’ve yelled at my mistakes, gave a simple nod at my accomplishments, and prioritize my success over my wellbeing. you’re a stranger now, and the things you say feel empty and make my heart feel emptier. regardless, i love you. i’m sorry
if you’ve read to the end of this ramble, i appreciate it and hope whatever it is that’s hurting you stops. don’t end up where i am, but i guess thats what they all say.
1 comment
Your father is so wrong to dismiss your problems as drama. So wrong. But it sounds like your parents are afraid to admit to themselves that you have mental health issues. Mine are the same. They probably think any mental health issues are a reflection on their bad parenting (in my case yea) so they choose to ignore everything.
Please don’t let that push you toward suicide. true you may be on your own figuring this out, but it’s not hopeless. You’re the most qualified because nobody knows you as well as you do.
Isolation is bad, you don’t need me to tell you that. Did you consciously dump your friends, did they dump you, or did you just sorta lose them due to withdrawing? In any case… maybe boarding school can be a good thing? I mean as long as it’s not torture scenario, maybe you’ll have a chance to meet others who are in line with the way you feel because they’re essentially going thru the same thing.