I am contradictory. When I can, I help people. But i also wish to indulge in evil pleasure. All day long I think about it, and fantasize. I havent acted but theres a certain pressure building. God, am I sick.
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share your suicide story
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The vast majority of people are sick. It’s the people who pretend to be perfectly clean, those are the ones that frighten me, because those are the people who are in denial. To be human is to have awful urges, isn’t it?
Maybe they aren’t the exact same awful urges, but awful still. I waxed on about guillotines for quite a bit, and while I said I would only use it on animals…. I’ve still thought that it’s a far better way to kill people than some of the lousy ways people do get killed. In fact I talk about killing people a lot, and about how I might die.
Meanwhile I have helped people, in my waking life I might be considered a saint, even saints have a dark side. I think people aware of their own evil feel more desire to do penance, that’s the case with me. I’m trying to cancel myself out.
I once hit a little girl with a birth defect with something I threw while I was black out angry, my anger is what I’ve had to make a lot of penance for…. Almost drowned a boy while angry, yeah, most of my sins occured when I acted out of anger.
two decades of penance, when will it be enough I wonder all the time..
Look I think having the restraint not to should count for something. a lot actually. Geez if I had done what I wanted to the last person/organization to make me angry….. man that would have been something, monumentally beautiful destruction, and I didn’t.
I guess I still could, it is a fantasy, but I won’t, I think I won’t anyway.
Thank you for being so open, it helps me a lot.
For me, its pets. For some reason, I want to own a human being like a pet. I cant seem to get that out of my mind.
I would argue that your familiarity with an evil side (without acting on it) is what truly makes you a good person.
It’s easy to be a good person if that’s all you’ve ever known, say for example you were born & raised in an affluent family that goes to church every Sunday and is essentially oblivious to the horrors that humankind is capable of. Such a person would be good as a matter of routine, without truly comprehending the challenges of being good under all circumstances, not just during good times and in a blessed state of mind.
But you show me someone who has been to rock bottom, physically and morally, an ex murderer who has truly reformed, or as in your case someone with all the impulses of immorality but an expert at controlling them because that’s been your lifelong job. THAT’s a good person.
I think I can relate to your situation, although I’m much closer to the privileged clown I mentioned. I had it pretty easy most of my life, and it was only in the last few years that life beat me into a twisted misanthrope. But that’s what tells me that my moments of kindness and altruism are genuine. Because I’m not just doing it to please some god or to please my community but I’m doing it because I know it’s right, regardless of who’s watching. My evil impulses are there, but (I hope) I’ve beaten them into submission, the same way I would lock up a loaded gun knowing I’ll never use it (I hope)…
Anyway, if you believe in spiritual stuff (not religious, I just mean matters of the soul/spirit beyond the physical world) then you’re winning the game. Don’t drop the ball in the last 10 yards 😉