are we back.?

i didn’t think it was possible to be in this shithole again. i thought we had matured enough to deal with this shit on our own. we had learned how to escape this, i’m sure we did escape it. right? i want to go hug maa. but alas, we’re too old for all this now. we’ve left home, we wanted freedom- we have freedom yet here we are in this forbidden sink again. till how far will we run? run from the things that matter and the people who care. how far will we lie to the ones who give a fuck? i know we are doing better in one aspect, we aren’t thinking about ending it anymore and i know we won’t be thinking about that anytime soon. but the trench has grown around us again. it seems higher, bigger, more messed up, more sunken, more inescapable. i need to go home to mama, will i ever be able to call myself her daughter? i don’t deserve her love, i don’t deserve anyone’s love. it would be so much better if people just treated us like absolute dogshit- at least then we could easily transfer the blame. it’s easier to detach but that’s just what we tell everyone, don’t we? oh i’m sorry, did i reveal our dirty little secret? i don’t think i really care at this point but then again, did i ever care? did you ever care? maybe you did for quite a significant amount of time but i think we should move past that and try doing what we do the best, running away till the mirage of escapability vanishes into reality. we’re not ready for reality so we better keep running.