5 Years I’ve been depressed.
Alot of people say It’s not important who they are but I want to share who I am, My name is Salem, I’m 16 years old, I’m 6 ft 2.
So 5 years depressed now, my family is slowly falling apart my mother has a mental dissorder, my father married another woman while married to my mother and had another son and doesnt give a shit about me. tests are here I can’t study this language because I don’t understand what the hell it says. for about 3 months now every night I take a knife from the kitchen and think about how I’m gonna do it but then I think about my mom and lil sis… I sit alone in my room almost everyday just wondering what life has to offer but if i keep living here in this country I’ll fail school… I’m giving up on life and I hate it because I don’t like giving up I want to take the knife and kill myself the fastest way possible. I know I’m young and I know the future lies ahead but if it keeps going like this, do I even want a future? I might post my final note tomorrow night, I’ll give my life 1 day… the last chance.
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My mother showed me this website today and i just read your story and i have been in this place before so i just want to let you know your not alone. I have felt like there was nothing left to live, to make a long story short i started cutting when i was 13 for many reasons. one being my parents divorce who wasn’t my biological dad but he had adopted me, while never knowing nor talking to my birth father, my mother had a child with the man who adopted me who is my brother and i love him to death but ever since they got divorced he will not speak to me, 5 years it has been which turned into my second abandonment issue, also all the drama with friends and homework from school was enough for teenage person, my mom is still battling depression from this which lead her to the path of alcohol. she has still not quit since and is killing me on the inside. I made a recovery from cutting and suicide but its still difficult but was worth not killing myself was me finding myself and who i was. I am NOT a person who likes giving up and i was raised not to give up but it felt like it was the only way out and the only thing to do. I hope this may help you feel like your not alone and none of this is supposed to be comparing my life to yours but just know i feel the pain that you feel and if you feel comfortable talking about things or just want someone to talk to about anything, here is my email and feel free to email me anytime! its eggxmoe@yahoo.com
please please please speak about things if that will help you in anyway.
I know you do not know me…and that I cannot tell you not to do this thing. I had a very hard childhood. I watched my father, whom I loved die when I was three. My mom, having seven kids, me being the sixth of seven married just 9 months later to an alcoholic who was still married to his wife and had three kids from that. We moved from Minnesota to Palm Desert CA a 120 degree change of temp..we all got sick! Mom had to work all the time so we never saw her much. We sort of grew up by ourselves. I was in foster homes by the time I was 15. I was on my own by the time I was 17. I went to college and worked. I got pregnant with my first child right after I turned 18. I gave him up for adoption because I did not think I could be a good mother at that time. I met a guy a little later and we married when I turned 20. We had three kids together. When my oldest son was 5 1/2 he had a head injury and was in a coma. He almost died. When he was 11, I found out that my husband had a girlfriend for 4 years.
We divorced and he threatend my life..so I moved to Arkansas. That was in 1990 (the end) he would not let me have the kids..so I came here without them. I went to University and studied Biology and Sociology and got my degree. He took me to court every six months or so to try to get the alimony that enabled me to go to school. Eleven years ago, my youngest son was 17 and he broke his back..horribly. They said he would not walk again, but he did. I loved him so much. He met this wonderful girl and they were to be married and would move here after the wedding. My new husband and I had built the most awesome house for him on a river here where he liked to fly fish. He was a fine fisherman! He took a gun and put it in his mouth three weeks ago and pulled the trigger. He ended my future and crushed the fiance that loved him more than life itself. We never saw it coming. I never once got mad at him. Nor did his dad. We loved him more than life itself. I have never told anyone all of these things that I am telling you..I am now 53 years old. But..I want you to know that life, with all of it’s troubles is worth living. I am crushed and I ask why every moment….he was the most loving of my sons and he was the bottom and middle of my heart. I have lost my mother, my sister, all three of my brothers and now my baby boy..my youngest, he was 28. His name was Stephen. I cannot help him or hear him say “Hi Momma..I love you Momma! I cannot hear about his day anymore or the sound of his laughter. But…I can help YOU and listen to You..if you want someone to listen to you. All I have is a hand reached out….
I heard on the radio yesterday nite that they executed a convicted killer
to his death by having the whole fire squad set him on fire with flame throwers, he burnt to death & died, not really the way i want to go, just put
me in a gas chamber, play a beautiful song as a fall asleep to my death forever.
16 is to young to end your life. there is still many changes to come. if the pain is to much, get help. i wish i were 16 again and know what i know now. there are many ups and downs in life. the world sucks, people suck, but you got your life which is a miracle and then no more to come. so i hope you just get some help, and concentrate on yourself and make a life for yourself.