There’s so much misery here, but it’s so nice outside. Things aren’t as they say in the paper and on the news. There are no bombs or psycho killers; just people trying to get by.
Why don’t I have anything to say… uhhhhh, I’m so confused right now. I’m hungry, have some broccoli and half a cucumber in the fridge, eggos in the freezer, apple on my table, but I don’t want any of it. I don’t want to move. Some stupid part of me thinks that if I sit here looking stupefied and feeling like a bag of crap for long enough, I’ll simply cease to exist. Everyone around me is busying about, getting their work done; they have their reasons. My reason for working is a made up one as I don’t have any purpose but to serve others. My mother shat me out so she’d have someone to get the tv remote and take care of her when she got old(jokes on her; i hate the *****!).
I just can’t bring myself to care. I go on the dating sites and I ain’t got shit to say. I don’t know what to say to people anymore. I don’t want friends because I never choose them; they choose me. I’m intimidated by most men for some reason(maybe cause I didn’t have a strong father figure growing up) so when I do make a new friend, it’s some woman that’s latched onto me and wants to be the bestest of friends!!! 😀 😀 women fill all the roles in my life: family, friends, co-workers, lovers, enemies, crushes, crushers, secret keeper, bro etc etc etc..
Women no longer want me because I stink of estrogen. I get to know someone, they file me as a friend. Change up my attitude and actions and still, I’m just the emotional outlet guy. There’s only so much I can bend my personality to try and get someone in close but nothing works. I just stink; I fucking stink of estrogen. Why date the guy you have a solid foundation with, someone you can talk to and depend on when you need him, someone that genuinely cares; why be with him when you can date the meat headed uber jock male model and still have the meek and compassionate “friend” to cry to when issues invariably arise?
I don’t try hard enough; not a prized pig at all. My auras only gotten darker as the years of depression compounded on top of one another. Even if I weren’t such an eccentric oddball, my toxic personality makes sure to keep anyone new away. I’m so fucking hurt and I’ve hurt so many people. I want to hold hands, I want someone to hold my heart and lead me through this part of life that I don’t understand; this, social coupling. I wish I were a real person and not this overthinking machine of a man.
It was always a lie, the past; the words I used to get women to like me. The dreams and ambition, all an act. I knew then that I was acting but I figured that eventually the real feelings of desire to accomplish and be productive in a career of my choosing would eventually get going, but they never did. I’ve always had the desire to not exist but that didn’t occur to me until i stopped trying and listened to myself over what everyone else was telling me.
What do I have to offer? Nothing. Support I guess, unconditional love, a funny companion to push you toward your goals. But what do I REALLY have to offer? I don’t drive, I have a little bit of debt, only got a high school diploma, I’m sarcastic and cynical, don’t have strong family or religious values; I’m not what women want. I’m the psychopath that fools someone more pathetic than myself into birthing my defective hell spawn. I have these bad thoughts about being a bad person, but my actions rarely reflect. My actions aren’t ever much of anything; I either make small waves or don’t bother at all.
end rant; must eat and work.
4 comments
Not all women want men that you described.. Those are actually men I avoid. I wish I could find a guy more like you. Everyone has a purpose . Sometimes half of life consists of finding that purpose. So make that yr purpose for now. Find yr purpose. One day at a time.
If you saw someone walking around with that ad attached to their forehead would you go out with them? There’s nothing wrong with you, only your own perception of yourself and the negative attitude. Change all the internal dialogue you got going on, everything changes. You have to make that decision, it just doesn’t happen unless you want it to. When you change, your external experiences change. That’s the way it works. Prove to yourself your post is rubbish. Cheers!
@ softsoul Ha ha ha 🙂 Really funny, the ad thing
@ tphg Don’t bend your personality for women! They’ll like you more for it! Don’t be the little puppy that always does everything they ask!
Arghhh… too bad that you don’t know romanian! Cause I would show you a site that has everything you’ld need to know!
maybe a soul-filling relationship is too much to ask nowadays
in my exp., you’ll attract what you longed for when you no longer desire it .. when the idea of being rescued, of finding a reason to live by being in a genuine relationship will have lost its appeal, someone might show up