So I’m a Christian….who happens to have homosexual desires. Why? I don’t know. Time and time again they have driven me to suicidal thoughts. Will this cycle ever stop?
I want to be straight. I really want to be straight. I want to be able to live my life just like any other person out there…but it’s so hard when you’re in a closet wondering if a lake of fire is waiting outside the door. I try so hard to believe that I am straight….just to please God. After all, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard ministers and fellow Christians say that homosexuals are going to hell. But then again, am I being honest with myself?
Maybe not. I am a liar. I’ve lied to my family, my friends…and worst of all, I’ve lied to God. I spend every single day trying so hard to pretend that I am a normal heterosexual Christian male. (It is difficult being a non-Protestant-Christian where I live). On the inside, I know that I can’t help but think that some guys are cute. DAMMIT! What’s the matter with me! What would happen if I came out? Oh I know: everybody whom I thought was my friend would suddenly turn their back on me and harass me with name-calling and acts of hate and what-not. I know that so many of my so-called “friends” would passionately hate me if I were to come out. More of my friends could hate me than I think.
And God? I thought God was supposed to love me. That’s what everybody said at church. I want so much to believe that God really does love me. Really. But that’s inexplicably difficult when I read the Bible and see that God punishes homosexuals. Yet I know in my heart and from my past experiences that God still loves me, and it tears me apart that I’m letting him down.
So I have [badly unwanted] homosexual desires. DAMMIT I can’t control them. I CAN’T! I’ve tried and tried and tried for the past six LONG years, and I doubt I’ve made any progress. I always hear about how homosexual desires come from within the person, and that it is supposedly the fault of the homosexual that he or she experiences such desires. Um….hello? What is it about UNWANTED homosexual desires don’t you guys out there understand? I never said that I wanted to believe that males were cute! It just happens to be a mentality that I’ve toiled the last six years to get rid of!
I hate myself. I really hate myself. I can’t get a grip over these unwanted homosexual desires. If I were to be honest and just come out, everybody would hate me. If I were to just hold it all in and pretend that I were straight, I’d simply be living with potential lies. I want so badly to believe that I am straight. Really. But I just can’t take this anymore.
I’ve thought time and time again about bypassing all the potential pain, suffering, lying, cheating, and stealing by depriving myself of all opportunities to do those things. As I’ve said before, I’ve considered killing myself. I doubt that anybody knows how much it truly hurts to be a closeted Christian. It hurts because I know that I am hurting the ones I love, either by being dishonest or by being someone with whom they cannot live. I hate myself so damn much.
And yet I love my family members and friends. I love them too much to let them see what goes on inside of me. And I love God too much to continue walking this fine line between dishonesty and disappointment. I’ve spent the past six years trying so desperately to bottle it all up. But I can’t take this anymore. I hate myself, and I don’t know exactly why. This entire life has been an endless cycle of bigotry, self-hatred, and frustrating confusion. I hate myself so much. I want to find a way out of myself, but I don’t know where to go or what to do.
12 comments
just hang in there, soon someday, you will able to be yourself and be happy
This is why I’m soo anti-religion, and why I think christianity is such a poisonous religious ideology. Cuz the fact is there are people like you all over the world who hate themselves just because of who they are, and who lead tortured lives just because their pastors/priests tell them that how they feel is sinful, immoral and wrong… well I’m sorry dude, but they’re ignorant jerks! There’s nothing wrong with being LGBTI whatsoever, it’s just an expression of the diversity of being that’s found throughout the natural world. I think if you let go of your unfounded religious fears for once and just accept who you are you may find that being gay is beautiful, wonderful and enriching for your life. It’s your right!!! ^_^
And if perchance some god does exist somewhere out there, well I’m sure that within reason he/she/it has more pressing concerns or worries than how someone fucks. And do you really think that an all knowing, all powerful entity such as god is gonna care who you choose to love, or share your life and your bed with!? I mean really, c’mon that’s ridiculous! Of course he/she/it wouldn’t! Take it easy.
Read this if you want a christian’s point of view (not the gay-bashing ones):
first of all, you can’t lie to God, he knows. Isn’t it at least a little bit comforting knowing that he loves you despite what you do – and by that I dont just mean being homosexual, think of it this way: you’ve also done other things, I’m sure you’ve told lies, been angry, jealous at other people. They’re all the same, so if it makes you feel better God doesn’t really care what ‘type’ of wrong you think you’re doing. it’s all the same to him – see, homosexuality really isn’t that big of a deal.
Ok, now you see it’s only a little problem. Seriously, it’s very minor because I assume you love God? (if you don’t, that’s something completely different) Then you’ve already achieved what God wants you to do (love him in return), so stop stressing out! Things happen, and life isn’t perfect. Maybe you’ll figure out how to solve this problem, maybe you dont. But the important thing is that you need to know it doesn’t matter – it doesn’t matter to God anyway, he knows you’re flawed. We all are. If anything he’s probably very happy you’ve considered and worried about it for this long.
The most important thing is, however, knowing that you don’t have to choose one or the other – there’s no rule saying you have to be a perfect christian (there’s no such thing anyway) or homosexual. It doesn’t have to be one way or the other.
So go cheer yourself up! As for what to do about your whether you should confront your family and friends, thick of it this way – why does it matter when God doesn’t care (as in he doesn’t think it’s a big deal), who are they to judge? God is above that, he doesn’t hold grudges. To him, you’re beautiful, because you have responded to him, and nothing else really matters. Sure, you can prove your love further by sorting out this ‘problem’, but if it’s gonna happen, God will make sure everything goes according to plan. After all, he is the one in charge.
Hello young man,
Let’s go point by point.
1) First of all, it is not true that God hates homosexuals. I know there is a website called “god hates fags” but it wasn’t God who put up that website and I am also fully sure that not even those guys from that web would have the least of condemnation words to you.
I have been educated in the most radical right wing of Catholicism, the Opus Dei (yet, I dont believe in God although I recognise that the contents of their preachings are good), and I can assure you, none of the priests who teaches there would have a word of condemnation towards you. There is a Dr in psychiatry, Aquilino Polaino, who has been treating homosexuals like you for more than 30 years, and he is a member of Opus Dei and he describes himself as “Homophyl”, that is, a person who loves the human being, homosexuals included, as oppossed to homophobic which would hate homosexuals. I myself as opposed I am to homosexuality, I would never have a bad word towards you. So, this means, that the first thing you assummed to be true that Religion hates you, is false, and I am speaking, not from the joke of the Church of England, but from the right wing of the Vatican Church. Not even John Paul II or Ratzinger would despise you, on the contrary, they would hug you.
2) The origins of homosexuality are complex and multivariable. At least 10 different causes have been identified, which play a major or minor role in the person becoming homosexual. There is an excellent book written by Richard Cohen, a therapist who was himself a very active homosexual, “Coming out straight”. He analyses all the causes and deals with the solutions, and nobody better than him, as he was one of those in the past.
3) Nobody is born homosexual. You would have to know a lot about psychiatry and find out how vulnerable the human mind, specifically the sex related aspects are to emotional influences. You dont mention your age, but in puberty and even around the 18 it is possible to have confused feelings and misinterpretations of your genuine feelings.
Through emotional pain and suffering it is possible to completely alter the views of a person regarding sex, love and relationships to it.
4) If you think men are cute, I tell you, most of women are much cuter. And also, there is one important aspect, how you are interpreting your own ideas. For example, I consider Tom Cruise as bloody cute, damn bloody cute or handome if you want, however, I dont have any sexual desire towards him. So, you can easily recognise the “beauty” of some men without having any sexual desire whatsoever. If you take it to a more extreme example, there are many men who are cuter than many women, although, women are by far and statistically made more beautiful.
5) So, to put all points again clear. God does not hate you. Not even the most “radical” priests of the Vatican would hate you at all. In fact, the word hate is not in their preachings. Yes, back in 15 century it was another story, but it is ridiculous to relate them to them.
You dont have to hate yourself at all and much less to feel desperate or a weirdo. I believe you have a very attractive prospect, to produce and to conquer those changes in you so that you can feel attracted by the millions of bums of women out there on the street and someday make a family out of it. So, I would suggest, start reading that book, truly read it, you are going to feel yourself much more calm. Then see to contact either Richard Cohen or Dr.Aquilino Polaino. None of them will indoctrinate you or admonish you, on the contrary, you would be surprised that both of them would receive you with open arms ready to give to you the best of them without demanding any allegiance to the things they believe in.
Stay away from homosexuals. They will not help you, on the contrary, they will drag you to the bottom. If you, or other people reading this think that homosexuality is cool, know that the World Health Organisation prohibits them from donating blood, because of the high rate of IHV they present, so far 75% of people with HIV are homosexuals and 1 out of 8 homosexuals has AIDS.
I lived in Brighton, which is called the “gay capital of the UK”. I wish girls whistled at me and invited me 1000 less than homosexuals did every time I walked along St.James Street. The promiscuity of homosexuals is just incredible. It is as if all women in the world now would go and say yes to any proposal we males did on the street.
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Thank you all for your input.
@mutedhorn42 and @oracle: I especially would like to thank you guys for your respective ideas in the manner that you did; you guys have no idea how much your words meant to me. It really is difficult living in this emotional/psychological situation, especially in the Southern United States, and I can’t thank you guys enough for helping me to draw some sense out of it. I still have mixed feelings about it though, but I feel so much better about it now. Even though you guys presented vastly different points of view, I will take ideas from both of them, and I really am thankful for your help.
Part of me still wants to come back to being heterosexual, just for me, and just so I can have a family without any weird secrets or problems. I’m glad that oracle gave two different interpretations of “cute guys,” so maybe I can reduce this mentality to a recognition of handsomeness as opposed to sexual appeal.
If you guys have any additional advice to offer, please feel free to do so. I will need as much help as I can get in order to sort out this problem and hopefully be able to live life as a heterosexual Christian male, exactly like I would like to.
Thank you guys so much!!!
Oracle, no offense, but the pope is an evil Sith Lord…
And you’re such a hypocrite, you say you’re not anti-gay but your very words scream intolerance and homophobia! The pope and all his old fart cronies (including Opus Dei) should be dragged kicking and screaming before the international court for gross and repeated human rights violations. Oh and by the way the United Nations does not recongnise the Vatican as a true state…
Okay I was slightly wrong, it is recognised but it’s not a member state although with its track record on human rights it shouldn’t be…
Bro, I almost died tonight, and I sympathise with your spiritual pain. I suggest you find your true friends in another group. If Love is true your family and the friends you already have will still love you regardless. It happens. Life sucks a lot, but it happens.
(@Shelly: You’re funny. “sith lord…” damn that is funny. you fucking made me laugh you jerk. oh and the UNWO does whatever they want.)
@oracle CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS FOR HOMOSEXUALITY?!!! YOU ARROGANT *****. AND YOU CALL YOURSELF “ORACLE”. JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’ AS YOU THROW STONES DOESN’T MAKE YOU ANY BETTER THAN THE ONES THAT ARE HONEST ABOUT THEIR PHOBIA.
I’ve read many of your comments. Regardless of you feelings of superiority, from what I’ve read, you have much to learn. You are most definitely caught up in yourself, and commenting so you can pat yourself on the back; when what you need is a good kick in the butt! How many people have commented to you words to this effect on this site? Have you stopped counting? As you brush these comments of frustration and dismay toward you aside, you should really be wondering why they are so frequent.
Time to grow. As much as you wish to be considered an oracle, you have not come close. Just having an education doesn’t do it.
Hi. As I read your post I became intensely interested in what you had to say. I could have written it myself. I would like to listen to anything you might want to talk about. Maybe we could share some things that would be helpful to each other. I do understand completely what it is like to have all the world, your friends and family, spinning around you while you are putting on the show while absolutley no one knows the pain and agony you are going through.
IMO if it’s consensual God doesn’t give a fuck, goes for all ages https://youtu.be/LNuFpn1cDWQ