This is my first entry on this site; so, instead of giving an elongated sob story about how much my life sucks and appears to be in the sh*tter, I figured I’d give it a different spin to, hopefully inspire those who feel they’ve hit rock bottom. However, I won’t do the complete opposite by telling people to suck it up and take it like a man because I feel everyone has trials and tribulations of varying degrees that I cannot entirely comprehend or judge. Ultimately, we’re all different, and the one thing people on this site have in common that I wholeheartedly relate to is the darkness of solitude.
For much of my life, I feel I’ve been alone, as far as much of conformist society is concerned…I grew up religious, educated myself, had experiences where those closest to me betrayed my trust, and ever since, have become somewhat of a recluse. Strangely, this is not by obligation; it is by choice. Few understand me, as well as what it means to embrace, not fear, solitude. I am honor-bound to no other principles beyond my own, but I give respect to those who uphold and live by their faith—whether that faith lies in god(s) or in people. Either device, or rather guise, is a man-made phenomenon passed from generation to generation. There is a level of trust in following these beliefs that people often take for granted within the grace of forgiveness. Humans often lie, cheat and steal for their own gratification, yet despise being on the receiving end of such atrocities.
I’ve betrayed and been betrayed; however, as strange as this might sound, it was more of a quid-pro-quo exercise for me to achieve balance with those who wronged me; an eye for an eye; retribution meeting absolution, but never within reach of redemption. There is never anything to gain when inflicting pain on another beyond self-gratification, which is itself an illusion.
Alas. I am alone with few in my life who understand the darkness of solitude evolved from betrayal. However, as most would cower in fear over what they feel they’ve lost and can never retrieve, I take what I’ve lost as lessons of what I could gain by learning from my mistakes; although, certain things are unattainable and can never be acquired or replaced. My life is slightly a bit more objective within this perspective, and I don’t feel as emotionally attached to things as I would if I feared the wherefore and the why I am alone. Things are much clearer to grasp and perceive when one is stoic.
I’d like to find strength in knowing and feeling we are all here for a reason, and, if you are still reading this, then understand that you are stronger just by giving yourself a chance to live another second, minute, hour and day. And know that “you” are consciously making this decision to, first, live for yourself and survive before you can be of value and live for others. To do this, to survive, you must be as objective as possible to find a tangible meaning in your life. Improve what you can when you can, and acknowledge that no one can do it (survive) for you.
Unless you are blind, deaf, or dumb, you have no excuse to depend on anyone but yourself. The now is what is important; the present you can change for yourself and, eventually, those you care about (if anyone). Though it is easier said than done, the past is a lesson, or an unecessary or necessary circumstance forever resistant to change; the past cannot be rewound or returned, it is simply a snapshot of who you were at a given point in time, never who you are now. Embrace the gravity of what is and what was, and understand you can never truly be the same person.
Unfortunately, juggling issues of lies, trust and betrayal within the present and past is what makes us human, whether the distrust is from an external tormentor or self-inflicted. Bottom line: the world is not a perfect place, but we do what we must to survive to help improve, first ourselves, and then each other (if there is enough room for other people in our lives’). Whether with a friend or alone, do what you can to treat everyday as a new beginning because life can be as endless as you make it.
For those who feel they need a little motivation or push or someone to chat with, don’t be afraid or hesitatant to drop me a line via comment(s) on this site.
4 comments
I can relate to solitude by choice and I also try to view my experiences from a ‘fly on the wall’ angle
I learned that at some point, you have to accept whatever you experienced has happened and will happen to others, that you could have been one of the wrong-doers, that there could be an unwanted opportunity to grow .. aiming not to take things personally has shown to be cathartic in my experience
my problems are: (1) objectivity seems to go with no reasons to live except to survive and pass on your genes and (2) we’re wired to be social creatures and by being a suspicious loner, I’ll always have the feeling I’m missing out on something
btw: do you struggle with apathy ?
Indirectly and accidentally, yes, I feel I do ocassionally struggle with apathy, but I don’t let it stop me from from living my life.
Sometimes apatthetic decisions and actions we make create collateral damage of both massive or negligible proportions. As long as no one is getting hurt, I can sleep at night. You can only care, view and prevent so much.
As far as objectivity goes, it is more of a means for me to be void of emotions, and think and act logically. Much of what I do to make my living requires me to be stoic. I’m less stressed, and it’s easier for me to be solution-oriented instead of focusing on the negative. I substitute what’s bad with what’s a different, alternate or better way to do something. Every problem has a solution definable, if permitted
That isn’t to say I don’t put on a dog and pony show to please people; the working world is a stage where I entertain people as a means to an end.
Of course, it took time to create this second skin, but it becomes something you eventually embrace and accept as a necessity. It’s a light-switch I turn on and off depending on the current circumstance.
If you keep your mind busy or creative with something like work or even a labor of love, it’s easier to envision everything as a goal rather than an obstacle; something to look forward to instead of loathe.
Deep down, it’s ultimately an act where I don’t really feel anything.
Overcoming the challenge and getting things done is what matters to me, which makes me never one to celebrate any kind of victory via awards ceremony; I believe success is its own celebration, and the success should be recognition enough at that particular moment. Celebratory efforts that attempt to define a moment is redundant and a waste of time.