I have had a very rough life. I went into foster care at the age of 4. Grew up in group homes and became a runaway at the age of 12.  Never knew what it was like to feel love from a parent and my siblings were separated from me. The feeling of isolation and just not belonging has always been with me.I became a cutter at 7 years old.I always felt suicidal and spent my early teen years in and out of hospitals for cutting. I finally attempted suicide November of 2003. I overdosed on Heroin and pain pills. The odd thing was I was saved by an old friend who had happened to come by and find me out cold, not breathing. This friend was suppose to be in a parole placement but she was not allowed in because the woman who murdered her mom when she was a child happened to be in the same placement. I am not religious but I took it as an omen it just wasn’t my time. I was angry with this friend for years, however, for intervening. Life went on and got better–for awhile. I made another suicide attempt last Friday. I overdosed myself on Norco 10/325 and Benadryl. My ex-boyfriend was aware of my state of mind and had his friends look for me. I had taken off in my car so that I would not be found. As I started to pass out– and my phone is just ringing and ringing — my screen saver is that of my eight month old son. I felt panic, scared to leave my children to this ugly world. I answered my phone and allowed my ex to have me picked up. I hung out with some friends( I refused to go to the hospital) for about 4 hours. By then I was throwing up and convulsing. I don’t remember much in regards to going to the ER… I was hooked up on machines for 3 days and came close to needing a liver transplant. I still have mixed feelings of it all. The emotional pain and the desire to die is not very strong today . Life seems to be getting better. But I do know it will get hard again. Life is ups and downs. I just wish I could shake the feeling of alienation. I always feel alone, even when I am not. I feel forced to live for my children, I don’t want them to grow up feeling I didn’t love them enough, but I do not feel I belong in this world.
2 comments
Hey there,I can’t imagine what it would be like to live in a foster home at a young age. However, I was adopted and know the feeling of feeling alone and not attached. And I know the feeling of living for others, I’ve done it for years now. It’s hard, I know, and if truth be told, On august 31 of this year, I attempted my own suicide but it failed.I’m most likely a lot younger than you, but if you want to chat, email me.It’s brl.cents@gmail.com
I cant even imagine how your life was, although i do believe it was painfull, hard, never knowing the feeling of love, literally hell but we all need something to live for in life, and you have your son, and thats why you should make an effort, like you said , life has ups and downs, even if you feel bad right now you might experience happiness afterwards, i think its a great joy to see your son growing into a fine member of society, and you should think how hard is life might be if you decide to finish yours, im sure you didn’t enjoy your younger years, i dont think you would want your son going through the same., just keep fighting, never too late for that!