The feeling when death is the only solution.

I have had a very rough life. I went into foster care at the age of 4. Grew up in group homes and became a runaway at the age of 12.  Never knew what it was like to feel love from a parent and my siblings were separated from me. The feeling of isolation and just not belonging has always been with me.I became a cutter at 7 years old.I always felt suicidal and spent my early teen years in and out of hospitals for cutting. I finally attempted suicide November of 2003. I overdosed on Heroin and pain pills. The odd thing was I was saved by an old friend who had happened to come by and find me out cold, not breathing. This friend was suppose to be in a parole placement but she was not allowed in because the woman who murdered her mom when she was a child happened to be in the same placement. I am not religious but I took it as an omen it just wasn’t my time. I was angry with this friend for years, however, for intervening. Life went on and got better–for awhile. I made another suicide attempt last Friday. I overdosed myself on Norco 10/325 and Benadryl. My ex-boyfriend was aware of my state of mind and had his friends look for me. I had taken off in my car so that I would not be found. As I started to pass out– and my phone is just ringing and ringing — my screen saver is that of my eight month old son. I felt panic, scared to leave my children to this ugly world. I answered my phone and allowed my ex to have me picked up. I hung out with some friends( I refused to go to the hospital) for about 4 hours. By then I was throwing up and convulsing. I don’t remember much in regards to going to the ER… I was hooked up on machines for 3 days and came close to needing a liver transplant. I still have mixed feelings of it all. The emotional pain and the desire to die is not very strong today . Life seems to be getting better. But I do know it will get hard again. Life is ups and downs. I just wish I could shake the feeling of alienation. I always feel alone, even when I am not. I feel forced to live for my children, I don’t want them to grow up feeling I didn’t love them enough, but I do not feel I belong in this world.