I unambivalently want to die. I’m 32. I’m getting married in five days. I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder as well as a personality disorder. I have sacrificed so many things on the altar of mental illness: serious relationships, a career, contact with family, financial stability, dignity. Few people know how horrible I feel most of the time. I work in the mental health field & should take better care of myself. I don’t take any meds or do many of the things that I could do to help myself feel better. Sometimes I think that I’ve become so inured to the pain associated with my illness that I don’t know how to function in its absence.
The only thing I’m worried about is the pain associated with the act of suicide. I know that it probably won’t last long, but that’s the main thing that keeps me alive.
Nearly every day I wake up and fall asleep fantasizing about ending my life. One of my former psychiatrists accused me of romanticizing the act of suicide, suggesting that my fascination with the subject bordered on the delusional. Perhaps my own ideas about suicide are culturally constructed & absurd, but I’ve only one one to find out what happens next. I hope for a dreamless oblivion…a total annihilation of self.  I hope that I’m right.
1 comment
There’s a lot going on there. I don’t know whether getting married in 5 days has anything to do with posting on this site but it seems things have been going deteriorating for some time. You accept that you don’t take reasonable steps to address the problem and well, you should. As odd as it may seem, people do become infatuated with the idea of suicide. I don’t know whether they fulfil it though, it’s not an easy thing to do. You present as an articulate and rational person which is probably why your psychiatrist is having difficulty in defining the problem. If you have experienced this for some time, your 32 now I don’t think it’s a fantasy. You just need to take control of your life, get the necessary help and find a good enough reason to live like getting married in 5 days. That might be pretty cool.