Yes. I’m a 16 year old girl. No.I don’t want to kill myself over a boy. Or a girl. Or a bully. Or drugs. Or any of the typical things i’ve seen so far on this site. I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me. By all rights, i should be a happy kid. I have a good life, I’m smart, talented and funny. So why do I want to die? Why is it that I want nothing more than to not have to exist anymore? Let me tell you why.
My mother and father both had perfect SAT scores. My aunt is the head of neuroimaging research at brown. My aunt and uncle are both professors at brockport. My uncle is a professor of microbiology and genetics studies at ithaca. My cousins all had perfect or near perfect SAT scores. My little sister has a 99.8 average. Could you live up to that? If i come home with anything less than a 95 on an exam or a test, I’m verbally assaulted and made to feel worthless. I’m also a dancer, singer, actress who plays piano, guitar and flute. But if i don’t get a lead in the show, or if i’m not selected for a solo in dance i’m not worthy to call myself part of the family. If i dont look pretty enough at school, my mom makes sure to point it out. Literally everything i do has to meet someone else’s expectations. I can’t be perfect anymore. And i know i sound stupid and shallow, and what i’m going through is not even half as awful as what other people are going through, but it’s too much. I’ve tried talking to my parents, and they wont listen. I’ve tried counseling and therapy and in-patient treatment and nothing works. So at what point do i just give up? I’m never going to be half of what my parents want me to be… so what’s the point? I may as well save them the embarassment and just cut myself out of the picture n0w.
I don’t have friends because i’m too focused on school to have a social life. I wish i did, but i’m not allowed to leave the house without one of my parents with me. No one wants to talk to me in school because i’m the “try-hard” that makes everyone else look bad. I’m stuck in my own personal brand of hell. And i don’t know how to get out. i’ve self mutilated for 3 years now. That didn’t help. Drinking myself into oblivion didn’t help. Therapy didnt help. Hospitalization didnt help. Attempting suicide was the only thing that got me anywhere near where i wanted to be.
I’m not entirely sure why i’m posting this; whether it’s for advice, or a pity plea, 0r just to put my feelings out there so I can externalize it. I really dont know. I’m going to wait a bit and see how i feel after posting this, but i’m pretty sure this is the last thing anyone will ever read from me. #sorrynotsorry
12 comments
That’s too much pressure. I hope it helped yOu a little, to write your feelings down. It looks like you’ve been trying to find help. I think that’s the best (and toughest) thing we can do. And I wish I had more to write, but I’d like to die myself; so I don’t have any good advice. Welcome aboard and thanks for sharing part of your story.
” I’m never going to be half of what my parents want me to be… so what’s the point?”
There is no point. So have some fun with them. Make it clear that you have no desire to be their perfect Barbie doll. Flunk a few exams, go party on school nights, dye your hair an outrageous color, dress like a Salvation Army poster child, or whatever it takes to let them know you gave up trying to please them. This may not be the best advice, but it’s something worth trying before you kill yourself.
Just to let you know, I did exactly that. Went from an A student to flunking out. Went from a classically trained pianist to a dirty rock star wannabe in the space of 6 months. Oddly enough, it worked like a charm, and my parents began to respect me as my own person. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.
You don’t at all sound stupid or shallow to me. I have more to say, but I just can’t figure out how to word it properly. Sorry. 🙁 I’ll try again later…
I think you should try talking to your parents again and explain to them that they’re putting too much pressure on you and it’s literally killing you. You have very high expectations to live up to, but if it’s too much for you, then that’s okay. Just be yourself.
You sound like an awesome person with terrible parents. Your life will drastically improve when you stop trying to impress them. Mine did (although my parents were nowhere near as bad as yours). It may be impossible now, but when you’re older and financially independent you can always make the choice to never see them again.
No one’s perfect, They definitely aren’t for assaulting you.
You sound like an amazing girl, dance, three musical instruments, 95% averages, you could change the world someday. hang in there kid. 🙂
Dear Everyone,
Here is the update: I took your advice and tried talking to my parents. My mom screamed at me so much i thought her head was going to do a complete 360 and start spewing split pea soup (exorcist anyone?). So i tried a new tactic. My parents always make me start homework immediately after school. Instead, today i sat down and watched a movie and refused to move until it was over. My mom became really upset and told me being a ***** would get me nowhere and that if i kept this up i was sure to become a failure. When i still didn’t move, she literally pulled my up by my hair and dragged me out of the room. I grabbed my laptop and locked myself in the bathroom. I really don’t what to do. I tried. I’ve been trying for my entire life. Nothing works anymore. I finally muster up the courage to face my parents head on, and what to a get? Missing chunks of hair, a torn scalp, and a seriously wrecked morale. I don’t know where to go from here. They say that the only direction from the bottom is up, but something tells me i have a lot farther to fall before i get there… and i’m having a really hard time justifying sticking around to get there. Because this is the lowest i’ve been, and if i fall farther, i’m really scared of what my parents could do to me. help me.
-K
Honestly, I think you should call a domestic violence hotline. What your mom did to you was just awful… 🙁 This might sound extreme, but…try to find something non-lethal to defend yourself with.
Tell your teacher about it, she may help call the cops for you. This is what happened when I was a kid and was being abused by my babysitter. I wish you luck. -hugs-
RUN FAR AWAY from your “family”. Save yourself.
You sound like you’re the total package. If you’re hot too, you could be some guy’s dream girl. Not to womanize, but just being honest… you seem pretty awesome, why kill yourself because your mom is an uptight *****? Eventually you will be free from the tyrannical reign of your parents, trust me, two years is not that long of a wait. Have you perhaps tried turning to drugs to solve your problems?
Just kidding.
I lot of intelligent people experiment with drugs when they face rough times. And if you’re anything like the rest of your family, you are undoubtedly smart. Don’t ruin your mind. I don’t know what other advice to give.