I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore.

Honestly I don’t know where to start… Recently I’ve realized I’m depressed.  I just feel so empty inside.  Like I’m moving through the motions day by day.  My family doesn’t or can’t understand what I’m going through.  They’re all wrapped up in their own problems, and I’m not willing to become a nuisance to them.  It feels like years since I’ve been thinking about dying.  Just jumping off my roof one day, or drowning myself.  But until recently it didn’t dawn on me that I wanted to commit suicide.  I have lots of people in my life that love me, and would hate it if I killed myself.  That’s probably the only reason I’m still alive.  That and my best friend.  Her life has been full of so much pain and heartbreak.  She’s the only person who knows the real me.  She’s the only person who helps me deal with my self harm, accepted that I’m bi, and the only person I can trust.

Part of me wants help.  Part of me wants to give up this very moment and never look back.  I hate myself.  I hate that I cut my legs.  I hate that my dad can be verbally abusive.  I hate that I’m always faking a smile.  I hate how fat I am.  I hate that I starve myself.  But most of all, I hate that I hate myself.  It wasn’t always this way, I used to have hope… I used to be happy.

(Thanks to anyone who read this all the way through.)