Its strange, you read about people who hurt themselves and want to die and you thing “thats a bunch of bull, no one in the right mind would do that.” As far as I can tell i am in the right mind. I try to act normal and cheerful, and people don’t seem to notice how i’m feeling because thats how i have always hidden it. Some days i let my wall come down a little and people ask me whats wrong, and immediately a cover up and return to my usual, fake self.
Compared to most people i’m nothing, i’m a lier who tells herself she is going to do something but never does it. I lie to others about my self, and a betray others to fit in. I just feel alone.
I hate to complain but after 14 years of life nothing has lifted me, it seems I was happier as a kid. I always push others away, yet I long to have friends. My best friend in elementary school, I suspect, never really liked me, and although I long to have close friends, it seems as if as soon a i think i’m close with someone they stop “liking” me.
Guys don’t like me, probably because i’m not the prettiest girl and I act a little emotionless around them. When ever i get close with I guy, I end up screwing it up. I dote on the past too much, i think i’m falling for the guy i liked in elementary school, again. The last guy I liked if my friend, but it seems as if he doesn’t notice.
Why don’t people see themselves, as they are? Why do people lie to themselves?
I’m a bit of an oxymoron, I think i’m scarred of leaving my little bubble, my own world. I long to speak my mind and to hear the truth from others, but at the same time I am terrified of it. I feel alone and I hate it, but when i’m around people I want to be alone. I’m scarred of dieing, it probably wont lead me to any better place, it will just be a waist, and the worst thing is i’m reluctant to live.
I hate decisions, they always end up badly. I just want to sleep it off, but i can’t seem to fall asleep. I’m scared of what is happening to me, is this normal for a 14 year old.
-Help
3 comments
Oh, please, I want to tell you something about the things that you said. Listen, lying gets you nowhere. You end up digging a deep hold for yourself and never knowing who you are…the more you lie, the worse off your life will be. You are 14. You can stop it now and perhaps have a more meaningful life. You know your faults very well. Lying is a slow death. Thus you are killing yourself. You say you want the truth but are afraid of it. I will tell you that is truly the first sign of entering into a very troubled life that you will lose control of. People who don’t lie, always have control as they know where they are at all times. Liars cause themselves pain but others so much more pain which is why you are afraid to die becuase of the guilt that you have. Please do yourself a favor. Stop now. Don’t be afraid of the truth. It sets you free! Even if you want to commit suicide at a later date, you will know why exactly. Please, love he truth!
Thanks, after I read this I cried for a while but then I ended feeling better. I’m going to try my hardest to face this honestly and wholeheartedly from now on.
Yes, I cam back to just check on you. I’m really happy that you understood what I was saying. I know this like I know my life. I even have a youtube page about it. Let me tell you how much you are loved: You Creator gave you the comprehension to know yourself and you are following the correct path to enlightment that he provides all of us with. There is a light inside of you that tells you when you are on the right path. You just got a little confused on which to take. I call it experimentation. Now you know! You have won! Now that energy can be used for something that you came here to do! Blessings!