So how goes the day. I have recently been on holidays (May 28th to June something) and within the first two weeks of being back I was in the hospital twice. Once I admitted myself. Only stayed there for 71 hours and like 50 minutes(few minutes before my 72 hour hold was finished, and btw I went in voluntarily and they still put me on a form), the second time was a suicide attempt. I stuck my wrist into SUICIDAL EXPLICIT CONTENT. That time though I went in voluntarily and they didnt put me on a form. Odd indeed. Anyways only stayed there for about 4 days then I was released again. Its been a year since my last attempt before the most recent one. Ive been through all the therapy and pills. Still doesnt make a difference. For some people it does make a difference(so dont be discouraged from trying) but I mean, I dont really want to be happy. Anyhow I have noticed that before an attempt I goad myself into it. Usually it starts with planning for a future date and then it turns into well why not do it today. Then it turns into why not do it now. Then it ends up with me being in the hospital getting stitches or staples what ever the treatment of choice is. Well Ill stop here and keep it short so you people dont have to tire yourselves out.
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Hi. Why don’t you want to be happy? I know that this is more difficult for some than others. I think that under the right circumstances I could be happy. I know that I would like that. I worry that it is too late for me now though. I wish that I had asked for help a lot earlier. I didn’t tell anyone about my pain until I was 45. It is hard to change and even harder when you are older. So much for being older and wiser. I never learned to live. I hope that you can find the positive help that you need. It doesn’t sound like that is happening for you which makes me terribly sad. Maybe it is time to try something different if you can? I know it’s hard. Suicidal thoughts a powerful. The suicidal trance is like having blinders on to any other possibilities. I just know that I never want to wake in the hospital ever again having failed to kill myself. If there is a next time I need to be sure. Good luck to you whatever you decide. Much love.
I guess this is a few days late but not wanting to be happy in just instinct for me. I know people say depression and you are separate but I am my depression. So I guess my reason without going into much reason is that im depressed. It is my current way of thinking.