Interesting

Well…this is the first post I’ve put…well, anywhere in regards to this subject, but at this point I feel I’m due. I don’t really know what else to do. I’m approaching 28 years old in a couple months and I just….give up. The “love of my life,” has made it clear he is so far from “okay,” that he is struggling to maintain his own life, let alone mine. We have been together going on 3 years but, honestly, it feels like life has been an eternity. We are both miserable, not just because of each other, but honestly, because of life. We failed. We could not cope, especially me. I do not know if I should have done more, if I truly was at fault for all of the thing people claimed over the years, if I truly was an “idiot,” or if I just had unrealized ideas. Regardless, I’ve spent 28 years without an ounce of respect. Barely a compliment to my childhood, made to feel inadequate, an idiot, a fool, an addict, a horrible person, an unloving *****.

The one man I thought would change this, the one where I could finally sleep after years of nerves….nothing, anymore. Hates me, blames me, has his own issues. Is life truly worth this? For what? So someone, somewhere can tell me what…things will get better? “Just keep swimming?” Or some other stereotypical bullshit? No. I am unlovable. It has been proven through years of my mother’s comments, my dad’s absence, my other half’s total lack of ability to even stand me anymore without some mind-altering substance. I am either some horrible person or no one understands me…either way – I’m done. I can’t stop it, I’ve tried to change it, I’ve tried talking, begging, crying, anger and a total posture of the characters of Queer as Folk, just to pretend for a moment, that gay or straight, regardless of what happened I was strong, and nothing affected me.

I was wrong. Everything affects me. Always have. No matter what I do, no matter what I drink, smoke or nothing….nothing changes. My other half still hates me, my friends do no exist any longer and my family has all but disappeared. I give up. If I was not meant for this time, this world, then…I accept that. But regardless, I am done trying. No amount of selfishness or selflessness can change how horribly cruel this earth is. How horrible people as a race are. How horrible the supposed God is that watches us suffer and offers us nothing unless we bow to him. I give up. Drag me to hell, take me to Heaven, or leave me be….But I am done trying.