I know the knife I would use, its sharp and would do the trick.
Do I want to do it to get attention or to end the pain?
I am a mum of 3 kids, life should be rosy, but I am slowly falling into this space of ‘It would be easier f I wasn’t here’
So many things have compounded for me to be in this space that I am in.
Where so I start? We all have problems, life is not without them. But when they start to grow and each day becomes more of a burden than a blessing…Whats the point, I think I suck at being a mum, at being a wife, daughter and friend.
Everything hurts, I just want the pain to stop.
I can put on such a façade you would not even realise I am dying on the inside.
My life is not all made up, there are enjoyable honest moments……
I have limited friends, I e-mailed a close friend 2 weeks ago to say I missed her and that we must catch up….still waiting on a reply. I saw another friend on the weekend, I kindly offered a new snack I had made to which she said “oh you should return that to where ever you brought it from’ “I made it” was my reply, she just stared at me…..these comments are small but they hurt.
My mum is only interested in having my boys and not my girl.
She tells me my girl is hard work and draining….awesome! Thanks mum!
I love her dearly and have tried many times to tell her it hurts but she is adamant she does not want my youngest (even for an hour)Â – it cuts deeply.
My Dad watched on as his partner held me and yelled verbal abuse at me whilst I was pregnant, it was completely unprovoked and I have not seen that women for 4 years. My Dad sees me once a year (I found his actions so cowardly…but what can I say)
My brother lives 3 hours away, he is busy in his world
I don’t get breaks (just like most mums) I have a date with hubby 2 or 3 times a year if and when we can afford a sitter. I dress up for these rare occasions, my husband does not tell me I look nice. I once told him that I get low and I do have dark thoughts, he said when you do something I will take you seriously…makes it all seem worth while. I am not interested in him, I love him but I am not in-love.
I feel like I am no one, I have no one and feel very lonely and isolated.
I am tired and could do with a long sleep, I want the best for my kids but I think with all the moaning and groaning especially from my eldest child that I just can’t do it anymore…..what’s the point?
What is there to look forward to…..
Added later in the day….
I try to do things to make me feel good, I bake muffins, cheese cakes, biscuits etc and take them to people that have had a baby or are unwell. It makes me feel good giving to others, its like topping your car up with petrol…you do it regularly and it keeps you humming along.
Why is that if I had cancer I would use every ounce of my being to fight it…..and yet with depression I just want to succumb to it.
Each day is different, some days that hole is dark and welcoming other days I rarely think about it….
10 comments
Well I have my own problems but since you wrote I am assuming you want someones opinion right or wrong. the thing I thought was that you have a lot of selfish people in your life. Since your a mom of 3 its probably not a good idea to cut for attention. If you have insurance you should call a doctor and tell them your suicidal. Maybe you’ll get a break. Maybe you need one good friend. I dunno. Good luck. We all need it.
I will always advocate for the right to die, but it’s disgustingly selfish to kill yourself if you are a parent. There are children that look up to you, who care about you and would be devastated if you killed yourself. What kind of example are you setting for them? Do you know how much your death would affect their lives? Is their grief and shock over losing you and a parent really worth the relief you won’t even feel? It’s your responsibility to take care of them, the moment you decided to have children is when you stopped living for yourself, how dare you even think it’s a viable option to be so cruel, heartless and selfish and think about shattering the lives of the very people you should have sworn to protect. It’s your duty as a parent to live for them, that in itself is reason enough to keep living, no matter how hard the tough gets going.
I am on my own too. Adopted and severely disabled so I’ve never had anybody. My family is civil towards me but there’s never been any connection, no actual love, since I don’t really belong to them. I am a prisoner in life confined to my bed and to my backyard. I have my dog. That is the only love relationship that I have in my life because I love her and she loves me. Sometimes I let myself dream that my real parents had been able to keep me and had loved me and raised me but I guess I was somehow not good enough for that. So I am a living zombie. There are lots of us out here in the world that are unloved, uncared for and ignored and left to rot away.
I saw this tv program orphans in an institution in Romania or somewhere, there was a guy 20 years old that had been rotting away in bed his whole life, the size of a five year old because nobody gave a damn, especially his parents.
Your children and your husband don’t appreciate you….there are people out here on this lonely planet that would appreciate having anybody to care about them and visit them (disabled, orphans, elderly, homeless, animals). I always think it would be nice if just one healthy person would take some time out of their day to come and read to me as I lay here for the 100000th day in a row in my bed alone staring at the walls, but nobody ever comes.
I understand your pain and frustration, but you do have to think of your children, as Stendarr pointed out. Do you want your children to grow up without a mother? It will make life much more difficult for them. You can decide to die /now/, but they still have long lives ahead of them. And they would carry this trauma for the remainder.
I think you could really use something to raise your spirits. Is there some kind of club or organization you could be involved with? Somewhere you can feel appreciated for your efforts and for who you are as a person?
You should try spending a few days alone, too, away from the family. Treat yourself. Get a fabulous new haircut. Go to a spa or something. Buy some delicious desserts just for yourself. Read a good book. Talk to friendly strangers (not just here, but IRL, too). Splurge a little, buy something you’ve always wanted but held back on.
If you can (regularly) have some relaxation time where you don’t have to worry about your children or household chores, et cetera, I guarantee you will feel much more refreshed, and will be able to look more positively at your life. Your husband will notice, too, and let’s just say he’ll probably start focusing a lot more attention on you. The best kind of attention.
Any chance you live in Colorado? If so…I’d come and read to you, and tell you funny jokes and tell you about my crazy life which used to be exciting but now I am slowing growing crippled, isolated and alone.
Well, okay I might skip that story since the plan would be to cheer you up! 🙂
Oh…that reply was for rach…I’ll send a new one for Fly…
Where do you live Rach?
You’re already a stronger person than i am.. I’ve acknowledged that i won’t have kids because i can’t guarantee that i can be there for them. It’s a self serving choice on my part but I like to assume i’m doing it for a good reason..
Try not to belittle yourself (I don’t take my own advice :).. you’re alive and you’re suffering but you’re raising your kids and i’m sure you’re doing a good job. Live and love your children, especially your daughter.. as i’m sure she is as affected as you are by her grandmothers rejection.
I lost many friends once they got married.. but they do seem to mass together and share the burden. Do have you have any friends with kids? Apart from that I can’t offer much.. I always tried to distract myself from depression. Books.. movies.. sports.. games.. drawing.. painting.. etc etc etc.
Every day you live.. your children love you for it.
Hi Fly…so many things I could say…
My brother killed himself in 2010. It’s been almost 3 years and I still wake up screaming. I feel so guilty, soooo guilty, like it was my fault he killed himself and that there was so much I could have done to try to help him improve things. These thoughts and dreams are with me every single day, and night.
Do you want that for your kids, every day of their lives. Do you want them to have to explain to their husband or wife why they wake up screaming? Why there is a sadness hanging on them that never completely goes away? Because that’s what you will do to them.
Suicide is actually a very selfish act…with no care or thought given to those around us who care about us and will carry the scars of our actions.
I can tell you from more experience than I want to get into…there is only one good reason to commit suicide…chronic, severe, unending physical pain. That’s it.
As long as you are not in severe pain every minute of your life, then you have the power, ability and opportunity to change anything you wish. In your case, get a divorce! We all have people in our lives who we love…but that we’re not “in love” with. And we sure as hell aren’t going to get into a miserable relationship with them!
If you’re unhappy chances are that those around you are too. You may not want to get a divorce, or do the things you know you need to to get into a better situation, but are those things worse than death? When you die you will never again get a change to make things better. No more chance to create smiles 🙂 and no chance love will come into your life.
Yeah it might be unpleasant and a lot of drama or work to make some changes…but the alternatives are worse, and apparently not working for you. So make a move! Before a divorce I would sit him down and tell him things are no longer working. Tell him that you are willing to talk and see if there are answers, if he is. But if not or if those things don’t work, then you have decided to move on. Period.
Have the guts to change your life and good things, or at least better things, will surely come your way. Just make a game plan, be patient and work towards your (realistic) goals. Better things WILL come! 🙂
indiana