I don’t know whats wrong with me. I put myself in therapy but we can’t afford to keep me in it. It was helping, but now everything’s falling. I find it harder and harder to breathe. Maybe one day I’ll stop. I find that thought comforting.
Sometimes I can’t think. I’ll start and stop. People think I’m weird for that. My own flesh and blood don’t understand. And I’ll forget. I want to scream, to tell them that this all hurts so much. But I can’t scream. I don’t know why but my voice is too weak.
Maybe I could blame my parents for this. They were always working and leaving me alone. I was forced to watch my sister by myself. I had to watch her when the meth lab above us caught on fire. Hurray for me! I had to grow up quick.
I could blame my cousins for this knife at my throat. They always made me cry.
I could blame my “friends” for this. They always thought I was happy, just because I smile. They don’t know that I’ve heard every name they called me.
I could blame school. They all never helped me. Daddy’s a good liar, even decieving himself. He’s a devil and Maman’s his mistress. Did I ever tell someone that she choked me for running into a table? It’s our little secret Maman.
It was my abusive girlfriend that pushed me over the edge. She left scars and bruises and finally just forced me to give her what she wanted. She always said I was a no good *****. To those who think only guys can rape and abuse, you’re wrong. You’re so naive. Woman do everything a guy can do, only worse.
That little snake… She carved the letter F into my skin. F for fag, fucker, fuck up, finished the list goes on.
I am trying to find the best way to die because I am sick of this fucking life. What to do? I don’t want another intervention. I had one before. Maman and Daddy cried. Well, more like Daddy. Maman’s not very affectionate. My baby girl caught me cutting. She promised not to tell.
If you have any ideas BESIDES PILLS (they make me sick) that could lead to a quick death and easy to access (I can’t get a gun) please tell me. I want to get this over with before it comes again.
Hopefully this is adieu my dears. Remember, the leaf may fall from the tree during winter, but the tree always grows more back.
Adieu.
8 comments
Where you from how old are you?
Im from Missouri and Im 15
Wow your only 15 i thought you’d be older. Got anyone to talk to? Maybe somewhere you could go to get some free therapy or maybe go to docs and try some meds they could help
Not really. Anyone I talk to would go to my parents or the police. I’ve had that happen before. And doctors…I don’t go to doctors. They cost too much. The only free therapy I can get is at school, but that would send me straight to Child Welfare again. -_- That didn’t work well the third time it happened.
And a lot of people say that.
Only you are able to make yourself happy. Don’t depend on the world to carve and fit around you – you aren’t the only one who has faced heartbreak, loss and so on. You have life at your feet – you are young, you have opportunities and abilities, you have a home, food, water, clothes, shoes, internet, parents…you do realize how many children do not have even a quarter of what you have? Learn to love yourself and be thankful for life. Not therapy, but YOU have the power to make it an amazing life – only you.
I love you with all my heart. Let me know if you’d like to talk.
I know all that. I’ve heard that a lot. I should be happy, I know that. But I fail at life and I can’t be happy. I don’t know why. I haven’t been happy. Nothing brings me joy. I don’t know why. Maybe something’s wrong with me. I give up. Thank you for those words Nesteryuk and Translucent.
You’re contradicting yourself…you’re saying you know what Translucent & Nesteryuk are saying but you don’t know why nothing brings you joy…which is it? Trying to rationalize and blame won’t work either. What will work is the realization that your needs were not met at a crucial age growing up.
Did your parents always leave you alone? Did they love you unconditionally, provide a safe caring, environment for you or did you have to parent your sister growing up. Many parents do not know what proper parenting is and they leave their children with emotional debts they did know they were carrying….but the body carries it and it manifest itself in all kinds of ways.
These are hard questions that will shed light on where you’re at. Do you want to focus on all the people who hurt you or do you want to retrieve the parts of you that you don’t have right now…your joy, peace, and happiness. Lots of people hurt me in my life, but I am the constant in my life, you are the constant in your life.-and those people are no longer in my life. You’re looking at it from a negative perspective…what’s wrong with me?…..What’s right with you?…start from there and do what you can to seek help. People who care and have your best interests at heart are the ones you best stick with. As the other 2 said, you’re 15….you shouldn’t feel happy if you’re not genuinely happy….so you have the opportunity to do some inner detective work and find out where things went off the rails for you during your childhood..-that is where you will find answers….it’s called learning and growing. Other people on here can help and support you….it’s good to get it off your chest and vent…then it’s I encourage you fighting to help yourself. Good luck. Cheers!