Anorexia?

I am not anorexic or bulimic, but you may find my experience interesting since it falls along the lines of what you’re planning to do.

I didn’t do this intentionally and I’m not even sure how it happened, but here’s my experience with this. Last June 2012, I started to feel very nauseated all the time. It started one morning while I was having my coffee. Ran into the washroom and puked. Then again, an hour or so later. From that day on, for the next 9 months I couldn’t stop vomiting. I was sleeping at best 1-2 hours at a time. I was up all night and all day long, just managing little naps here and there. I could not manage to keep a single bite of food down. Even drinks were impossible to keep down. I would vomit the small sips of water that I’d use to swallow my meds with. I was never sure if any meds actually stayed in me, as I was vomiting 10 – 15, sometimes as many as 20 times a day. This went on for approximately 9 months. Until February 2013.

I was a nervous wreck. I felt sketched out all the time. The lack of good sleep, the constant vomiting, the fact that my body had been deprived of food and liquids for so long, all of it was killing me. However, I did not die. You would expect that not eating anything AT ALL for 9 months I would have been dead. Somehow, I lived. I was like a corpse on my deathbed most of the time. I was barely able to make it into the bathtub to bathe. I was absolutely too weak to stand in the shower. I sometimes (often) fainted when I’d stand up to get out of the bath from being so weak and being in a steamy room. I was always freezing. I wore at least two outfits on top of each other at all times and cuddled under 3 big blankets, but still would shiver like crazy.

I could not even keep the anti nausea meds down most of the time, as my body couldn’t even tolerate the smallest sips of water. I had been to the ER several times. Each time they just hydrated my body using iv fluid. They ran many tests, stomach biopsies, scans, barium whatever, and so on, but never found a cause. Of course they always asked me questions to rule out any eating disorders, which I don’t have, but other than that, they weren’t finding any answers.

Finally, the last visit to the ER for this was in Feb. 2013. My family was so worried. My daughter terrified. I was scared that I would have a heart attack or one of the other things that happen to people with severe eating disorders. I didn’t have an eating disorder, but my body was being starved.

I am 5′ 8″ and was normally around 120 – 130 lbs. By Feb, I weighed 102 lbs and could hardly walk up a staircase. I barely made it out of my bed. Even going to the washroom was a huge effort. I had lost 30 lbs which may not seem like that much, but I am a very skinny girl already, even now that I’ve gained back the weight (130 lbs) so losing that much weight, I was literally skin and bones. But… I did not die. Not only that, but I would not have been weakened enough to be able to commit suicide any easier than I could now. Nothing changes when it comes to that. I am just saying this because you seem to think that if you weaken your body it will be easier to commit suicide, but having been there, exactly where you are planning to be, I can tell you that it makes no difference if you’re starving to death, it will not be any easier to take your life. Your mind will still think the same way. Fear will still be just as strong.

I just wanted to share my experience with you since your “plan” is something that I’ve already lived through. In the end, they determined that the cause of all of what happened to me was anxiety. It had just gotten so bad that I got to the point of not being able to sleep or keep a single thing down. The more I vomited and the longer I went without food, the worse it got and the more I couldn’t eat. Vicious cycle. They got me on anxiety/sleep pills, meds for my stomach and anti nausea suppositories. I gradually got better. I can eat again. And sleep too. But, it looks like my kidneys did not get off so lucky. They are damaged. I am waiting for more test results to find out what stage the disease is at. But even if kidney disease claims my life, it will not be an easy death. The remainder of my life will be full of torture, dialysis, biopsies and other hellish forms of torture.

So, I just wanted to tell you that starving yourself is not a good plan. You will live. It will not help you to easily commit suicide either. And you may just end up having to live, but an even worse life with irreversible damage done to one or many of your organs. Wow, longest post I have ever written. lol. Just wanted to share my story with you tho.
I wish you the best and hope that you find some peace and happiness in your life.