Even though I’ve had my reasons, I still don’t know why I’ve felt so unhappy all of this time, why I’ve never been a friend to myself.
I am a huge disappointment to my past and present self, and my dysfunctional-but-loving family…
In retrospect, despite my flaws, I was pretty cool as a kid, I think. I should’ve given myself a chance…
I am in my mid 20s.
I don’t have my driver’s license yet.
I have little to no work experience or college education.
I have absolutely no friends, not even acquaintances. I hung around a few of my classmates during my younger years, but they were more like acquaintances (and enemies), not friends, so I can also say I’ve never had friends.
I’ve never dated anyone, never been involved in any type of romantic/sexual relationship.
(I’ve always been the introverted loner type, so I don’t need a lot of friends, and my life doesn’t revolve around having a lover. I am human, however, and humans are social by nature. Naturally, there are times when I do want companionship.)
Haven’t really gone anywhere, haven’t really done anything. I’ve spent most of my life hiding in my room (still live with my parents), killing time just to avoid other people. I’ve wasted my life on belittling myself, settling for less, allowing to be overprotected and controlled.
I am underweight, out of shape, haggard and gross. I feel my memory isn’t as good as it once was. I am decaying…
I have always looked younger than my age, which is mostly a good thing. The bad thing is, I think I act the way I look too, maybe even younger: I look like I am about 17, and I pretty much live the life of a 15, maybe even 13 year old.
I stupidly feel as if some of the ‘angst’ of my teen years is still with me: I have matured in a lot of ways, I have made some positive progress, but I still have low self-esteem and still am shy, pessimistic, moody, rigid and avoidant.
I am happy being quiet and introverted, but not shy and reclusive, and I hate having low self-esteem…
Anyone else feel like their depression has kept them from ‘growing up’?
As a teen, I would always say that I hated everyone, including myself. Regardless, I was a hopeful big dreamer, and I longed and aimed to someday become a part of the world. Now, I no longer hate anyone, but I still don’t like myself or people in general, and I’ve given up on living a ‘normal’, meaningful life with the rest of society.
My sense of humor, creativity, passion, and spunkiness have waned. Every good thing that defined me seems to be gone. Now I’m a robotic, apathetic, unattractive, nice-but-boring, painfully awkward, bitter, silly, ignorant, silent shell of what I used to be and could have been.
5 comments
I am in the exact same situation. I don’t know, it’s such a mess. It wasn’t the depression that kept me from growing up so much as everything else. And I’m so frustrated with the mental decay. How can I possibly hope to pull myself up if I can’t even think straight or remember what I had for lunch yesterday?
It’s really brutal, but most people can’t understand what it’s like to be a total disappointment, a failure both socially and professionally. It’s limbo for me too, waiting to die but unable to do it. Hoping that in some way the effort pays off before it is too late.
I’d say a live a life of a 15 year old too… Not that I wanted it tho things are how they are… I’m 21 and I don’t have my driver’s license yet either and I still live at my mom’s.
I’ve never had sex tho I suffered a lot of abuse so that’s probably the reason behind it… And I’m a loner myself, when I’m not studying I’m here hidding in my bedroom and commenting on SP or reading/writing/drawing…
But there’s always time to “grow up” if that’s what you truly want… I don’t know if I ever will but if you want it, you probably have the chance to do something about it.
I’m in the same boat. Also tried to convince myself that I can live contently while insulating myself from society but eventually the natural desire for both companionship and establishing friendships kicks in. In my situation some things have become too deeply ingrained and I fear they cannot be undone. The older you get the more difficult it becomes to extricate yourself from the stranglehold of social anxiety. It’s a struggle that will completely extinguish your drive or will to overcome because you will be confronted with a slew of failures. You can only maintain a positive attitude for so long before you are forced to grudgingly accept that introversion will define you for the rest of your life. If you cannot reconcile with this reality then be prepared for a fight that will eventually kill you in the same way that it’s killing me.
Similar Deal. though I can get a licence if I so chose too I just dont see any point in it anymore. never had no love life. havent found or might not have any talent or skill or competence with anything that might help me sustain myself. im in my 7th year of my 4th year course in college and Im still not sure what im really doing right now… though I do have some friends I made through my hobbies (mostly nerd stuff) if your into such things (tabletop games,video games,card games) it probably wont form any deep friendships(theres a chance though) but It does help to clear my mind of things and I do feel happy even if its just for a while when Im playing. so you can give that a whirl there are more people who has/or had similar problems with you than you think though maybe not as bad but I think as long as someone can understand even a bit of what your going through could be a big deal. Its really one of the very very few reasons why i have been able to go on for so long
outwardly i’m just the same as you. my mom used to say i’m 2 years behind my time; i would now say 6, for i think i haven’t grown a bit in college time. but its changing now. you know, its actually about when one’s stance switch from defense to attack, from submissive to dominating against society. and, as far as i can say from single experience, it happens automatically. but still, keep trying and fighting.