Every thing is getting on top of me. I have been “clinically depressed” since i was 15 but these days I wonder if i have other things going on. I just make mistake after mistake and its made my life very hard. I then feel bad for thinking my life is hard when i am no doubt luckier than billions of people and animals in the world. My life is hard in terms of feelings of worthlessness, lonliness, panic, self hatred and guilt. I loath myself and then even more for being so inward facing and seemingly selfish. I am very manipulative.
I have made so many mistakes in my life, at the time i just couldnt seem to see any problem with my actions and i can remember how i felt about the thing i have done. Nothing.
I have cheated many times. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful man who knows but has decided to stay with me. ( i have no clue why but i am glad)
I am terrible with money and have amassed a load of debt. I have been bailed out by family twice before and i have managed to screw it all up again.
I have invasive thoughts that upset me greatly and make my mood plummet. They are about animal cruelty and are incredibly distressing.
I dont seem to have any middle ground. I am either ok or really low. If i get upset i go straight to feeling suicidal and stress really does it.
I am under a fair amount of stress currently. Lots going on and it makes me worry about the future. I just feel like i have had enough. I constantly feel like no one likes me and im dull and it makes me cancel on people.
i did it last night, for a work do, now im feeling rubbish because evidently it was some kind of amazing bonding experience that everyone is raving about and because im an idiot i missed out, oh i dont know im just rambeling self pitying rubbish.
I just dont see anything improving. Im back to it will happen….its a matter of when not if.
If you have similar issues/problems/thoughts email me. I find it hard to connect with people. becki_one@yahoo.com
15 comments
if u have a wonderful man who knows but has decided to stay with you, so why the hell you want to go???
at least you have someone who didnt abandon you.
my wife cheated and left after 14 years of marriage.
my husband passed away while we almost started.
your wife deserves to die not you!!!
Im so sorry that happened to you, I truly am.
My wife is quite happy…. falsely happy I am sure. Just yesterday I get a call from Apple asking for her. I told the guy she isn’t here. I asked why he is calling for her… he said “she ordered an Iphone5 online”.
I know what she is and has been doing, buying, buying, all in attempt to “live her happy life”.
I think she expects me to pay for it in the divorce too, the hell I will.
Yes, she can die, she should., but I believe God sees all and this all will catch up tp her in time one way or the other, so with that respect, I hope she “lives”.
After all, her new boyfriend(s) need her 😉
@Wifeisgone
w . . w . . what!!! boyfriendS? is she driving a train full of bfs?
may i ask why did she left u? didnt she find enough love from you?
dont divorce her, leave her suspended. it looks like u doing well & dont intend to commit, i hope that for u.
@Melissa Suicidal: “if u have a wonderful man who knows but has decided to stay with you, so why the hell you want to go???” <- for some depressed people, not even having someone that loves them is enough… i know the hard way, because of my depression due to physical issues i neglected my significant other, after a while she just moved on with her life (can't blame her). I realized it was one of the worst mistakes i've ever made when i had already lost her but even if offered the world, it was too late… guess some just can't see the forest because of the trees (i know i can't)
@Wifeisgone: Out of everything you’ve said about your wife (all that i’ve read), i can only think you were lucky to lose her… not that it doesn’t hurt, and i don’t desire that pain to anybody… but you really deserve better
Thanks. yes, but whats bothering me is what she is trying now, might/can do in court. I havent solved that yet, and still need to deal with that *****, at least on a basic level.
I think just about every guy deserves better. This “woman” was a living hell, and I am glad I dont have to deal with a lot of what she did in the past.
for some reason, i get flashbacks of good times, trips, and now i hate it is that PTSD you think?
It might very well be, you’ve been through a lot of strong situations… i have to admit that everytime i’ve beem dumped (only been on long relationships, and i’m always the one they break up with), even if they’ve practicly used me, ripped me to shreds, or whatever, i always seem to remember the good times, even if i try to hang on to be bad things and tell myself i’ll be better alone.
Maybe it is just normal to justify in your head and heart the woman that you loved for so long, even if she betrayed you and failed you miserably? i know i tend to do that even when i don’t want to
Justifying is not the word i mean by the way (now that i read it)… i meant something along the lines of… remembering the good and leaving out the bad, don’t know how to explain it haha
My counselor (after learning her history) came to the conclusion that I was a “replacement” for her mother, when she was a kid, she fought all the time with her, saw her as “controlling” (which her mom is). She fought with her brother a lot too, to the point she moved out for a while (in Brasil). She is unstable, and I didnt know it. Not that I am perfect and didnt make any mistakes, because I did. Combine that with her bosiness (that showed up later, that drove me away), then her love of the Iphone, openly admitting she would talk with strange men all night at work, her cheating on me 6 years ago, chasing my friends away, and more.
Why did she leave? She drove me to the point where I didn’t trust her, want to be around her much, knew she didnt love me, want sex (coz as said before, sex was nothing special to her).
I never abused her, treated her wll, gave her everything in life and more.
She didnt appreciate me, always wanted a “new experience”, has no conscience, and the list goes on.
But you tell me, what kind of person (much less my wife) can come to the hospital and see me, look in my face, and tell me “Im here only because your mom needed a ride”.
It only confirmed what I know now…. there is better out there for sure.
I believe its the minds’ way of coping with the severe pain of the bad.
gtg for a bit, will return later… have to get some things done before dark. Have a good afternoon everyone.
anyone want to send me an email….
FLwaterguy99@gmail.com
Might as well be, trying to remember the good to deal with the bad… i have to admit it makes things even harder to deal with tho