If you were to meet me you’d think I was happy and carefree. But that is nothing near the truth, I cut, I cry and repeat. I have thought about suicide but like I said I dont have it that bad, but i have it bad enough. I don’t think I’d ever go through with it but I wish I would and or could. I do have good friend and a great family. But I don’t get if i have all this why do i want to die. It woud be so easy, I have planned it out and everything. But i wont do it I cant. I mean how could I. The other night my two ‘best friends’ found out about my cutting and each wrote me letters with why they ‘love me’ and I know by next week Ill be nothing again. Im tired of being nothing, I am so not comfortable with being ‘sexual’ with anyone so Im screwed with boys. I dont know. Im just tired of who I am.
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13 comments
Hold On, There is always a brighter day ahead.
Thank you.
Dear AnxietyAddict,
Can you articulate why you cut? I would like to read if you would care to write.
It seems to me that you do want to live, but may not believe you are equipped to deal with challenges to come.
Dear Captainsquirrel,
I do it when i am in situations where i feel as if i have no other choice. It seems to be a burning desire at times. I get stressed from from school as well as family life. I started off with only three cuts because it was when I lost my two very best friends, or thought i did. I continued even though i promised my brother not to, when he saw he broke down crying. I cut because I thought I lost my best friends and i didnt know who i was anymore, i felt i had to be perfect. But the main reason behind my scars is my weight. I have never hated myself so much, i want to cry when i look at myself in the mirror. I thought i was better but the scars from last night proved me wrong.
~AA
You are not your body. Your body is just a small part of what makes You, You. Looks and the body fade with time. No need to rush it. Really try to love yourself, this includes accepting what you look like. Weight, skin color, race it doesn’t matter. Judge yourself on the content of your heart not the color of your skin/weight…….you know this guy MLK. This is not an easy task. however, i know you can accomplish it.
Help me here if you can. You cut out of desire, alright what did you feel upon cutting?
You may never know who you are we are always changing, by the time you think about who you are, you have already changed into someone else due in part to self-reflection.
You have to acknowledge that friends will come and go. There are times that need different individuals to fill different needs in our lives. Sometimes you think you lost a friend in reality they are just trying to find answers to help you and they do not know how to proceed. Just if you were to help another cutter stop. you have the experience to know why. while others have no experience with this. Just like us when we don’t have the answers we feel lost or alone, friends are entitled to the same feelings
Captainsquirrel,
Every time I have cut I receive a numbing sensation, that i have learned to love. Its like i dont exist, but then later of course I am back to living.
~AA
Very well said, you are very wonderful with words.
A numbing sensation in the physical sense or emotional? I would believe it would be more in the emotional. Maybe you are turning emotional pain into something tangible? Or is it more of an escape?
To address sexual relations with boys. Never jump in for the wrong reasons. Blindly chasing after that will only increase your pain. read with caution many other posts on this site alone, that deal with that aspect. He is the wrong one, i cling to him so i won’t be lonely…….Then i am pregnant and all the challenges that accompany pregnancy and raise a child. Not that those can not be overcome, but you have enough on your plate currently. So, i would count no being attracted to boys now, a blessing! Never let a guy use you so he “will like you”. You deserve better than that. Guys have many problems and we misdirect our own flaws outward many times. that results in hurting others around us.
I see it more as an escape
Thank you.
Why would you believe you are nothing?