I am 24 years old, from an Asian country. The culture of my country is very conservative. i was educated to keep my virginity before marriage. In my place, girls losing it before marriage for any reasons are considered as bad and cheap girls. However, i was not aware of it much, because i hadn’t had any boyfriend in real in my life. I just kept learning and learning, ignored anything outside, didn’t know any trap toward girls. That’s why i had no dating until i’m 24. That was also a nightmare of my life.
Few months ago, I had the chance to work far from my family, for the first time in my life. Everything was very new for me. It was not good work when everybody treated me badly. They were very cold and used me as a slave. I worked in 12 hours/day, and had only 1 day off per month. Suddenly, there was 1 coworker; he treated me very well and cared me so much. That was also the first time i fell in love for a guy. I was too happy and forgot to be careful with guys. That day, I hung out with him. He invited me to drink beer, also the first time of my life. I was so naive to think that i would be safe to be with him and he would care me much. Then i was drunk little and was taken to a hotel. Suddenly, he told me that he liked me very much and it was also the reason he hung out with me. I was so happy to be in his arms, then he attacked me as a beast on bed. It was very terrible feeling because i remember it exactly until now. The first time i was very close with a guy. He wanted to have sex with me and penetrate me. Even i loved him much this time, i tried to stop him and avoid his penetration. He couldn’t enter me because this is my first time; it was not easy for him and i don’t know if i still remain my virginity. In spite of this, it was my ashamed feeling when i lose the virginity in my heart.
After that night, i thought i was lucky to be self-control and stop his dirty action. However, people around me begin to consider me as a prostitute. They laugh at me as a cheap girl. Maybe, that guy made this rumor but the worse thing happened when that guy hides himself because he has very big debt. All the creditors use me as a target to joke. I can’t prove that i avoided to have sex with him so I have to suffer the bad rumors. Until now, the rumors are spread to my parents. They are very ashamed for me. I had to leave my job and hide myself to avoid the laugh of everybody. I live on my parents’ care and am jobless for few months. I’m really an undutiful girl.
Every night, i face with the nightmare of being used as a sex toy for that guy. I never forget it and it makes me depressed so much. On day, i face with people’s contempt. I try to face by myself but i feel more painful because of the suffering of my parents. I love them so much, i don’t want to make them disappointed like this way. I don’t know if i still have my own value but in my society, I become a cheap girl in everybody’s eyes. What can i do to escape this life?
22 comments
You might one day look back and wish you had reported him rather than live with his lies. Your parents have an ultimatum. Either they challenge what people say and support you or they don’t. If you find that there is nothing left for you, use the experience you have to move away. They all crave the life in the west yet appear to disregard it. There is no greater sacrifice than your own happiness.
You are right, i should report him but i didn’t because i still loved him. I admit i was wrong and i have to face with my wrong choice. My regret is letting my parents suffer as me. For western people, maybe, it’s not very big trouble. I know my country’s culture is very conservative when people judge a girl through her status of being a virgin or not. People here always think if this girl has sex with her lover before marriage, it means she can have sex with everyone and she’s dirty. If i have chance, i want to move away from my country. I tried to preserve myself and receive the low respect from others.
please stay safe and don’t do anything to harm yourself. please be strong. Your society’s attitudes are not just! But you can’t change that overnight. Try to continue your ecucation, and seek support from sympathetic persons, as you have just done here. God bless you, and I hope your life turns around for the better. I hope you one day meet a guy who will care and love you in a decent way, and not judge you – an intelligent person.
much love
I’m still alive and i won’t end my life because of this. My death can be a miserable thing for my parents and they are very precious to me. I don’t want to hurt them any more. Thanks for your encouragements, God bless you too, my friend. I’ll continue this life because i know in this world, there are still some people encouraging me, even not from my place…
yes, Murky Lurker, I agree. Perhaps it is not too late to report this matter to the police?
I should be doing school prep, but will check you later this evening or tomorrow
I’m so sorry people are blaming you for someone else not being able to control himself. Always remember you did *nothing* wrong! Even if he managed to fully penetrate you, that wouldn’t have been “sex” anyway, it would have been *rape*. In so many cultures around the world, there is this idea that women are stained and impure forever if they have sex (or are raped), yet men aren’t. Do you think this is fair? I don’t. If it’s not too late, and if you live in a big city maybe you can report this to the police. I understand if you don’t want to though. A lot of countries (even in the West) have a really bad track record when it comes to handling cases of sexual assault.
I’m living in a small place and people are still very conservative. In my country, guys just want to get married with virgin. If he finds out she’s not virgin, he will treat her very badly. Anyway, i greatly appreciate your concern to me; it makes me stronger. Thanks so much…
I can understand. my suggestion is that you report against that person in police. once he is convicted, nobody will be able put the blame on your character atleast. mistakes happen. things will get better with time.
I know i should do it but it happened 3 months ago and i left to the job to avoid the contempt of other people. I was wrong also because i loved that guy truly so i didn’t report against that bad guy
Can you move to an area where no one knows you and start a new life for yourself?
If i can do, i will move to a western country where people don’t look down the girls losing virginity
Dear Vivian,
Just because a guy took advantage of you does not make you cheap. You have high morals and virtues. That can not be changed by some individual that exploits on the suffering of others and spreads lies about his actions. There are always people looking to take advantage of the situation, on the flip side there are individuals guarding the gate. Experience will teach you the difference. It is not a fault to want to be loved. You are a brave lady in my world and i have respect for you. Keep talking and writing about your frustrations, to keep them locked inside never turns out well in the end.
It was my stupid action when i didn’t report him because right after it had happened, i still loved him and wished to change this guy. at this time, i was so naive to think that maybe he was drunk and loved me so he couldn’t control himself. I just realized his bad face when he hided himself to avoid all the creditors and all bad rumors came to me after that. From this time, i lose the belief for guys. I didn’t know most of guys just need girls for sex.
I still feel guilty because i fell in love with this bad guy and i can’t lie that i’m able to forget him. This is the first time i know how to love and never know how to be loved…
Vivian, it is hard lesson learned. You are a great young lady and you should fear nothing. I understand your culture has different views then ours. There will be fallout for you to deal with, take it one day at a time and refuse to hold your head down in shame. We are all learning.
Vivian, did you really fall in love with him, or where you in a position where you needed love so bad that you were easily lead astray?
I know i’m wrong and lost. I’m trying to find another way to ease it. I try to focus on learning and isolate myself, but i’m stuck again with nightmares with him. It’s true that i loved him honestly and i fell miserable because i have true feeling…I wish to move to a western country to change my life but it’s nearly impossible for me.
One thing I know we all can agree on here is……You can not run from your own past. It will find you anywhere. It does look like you are being pro active though! Careful with the isolation too, that can be dangerous in excessive amounts.
Thanks for your advice for me. You are a really good person. I was depressed much but i won’t kill my life because God and my parents gave me this body, i’ll be very selfish to kill it without permission. I have to think love is not a guilt but it’s a wrong thing to put love into a wrong person.
We have all sorts of experiences in life. Getting raped is not good. Consensual sex however is fine. There’s nothing wrong with that.
What’s a good age to lose your virginity? What if you never get married until you’re 60? Should you wait until then before doing the deed? I don’t understand this brainwashing indoctrination technique people buy into regarding morality. What happens behind closed doors between consenting adults is nobody else’s business. Don’t worry about what other people think – they’re not living your life, you are. If you think somebody might have a problem with your choices, don’t tell them what you’ve done. It’s none of their business and you’re not obligated to provide details concerning every facet of your life.
Just live your life however you want and forget about the haters/morality police. Not every opinion is worthy of consideration.
In my country, i found in many articles about the girls raped by guys or lovers and i saw that almost the comments for those cases are blaming for girls. They thought that the fault is from the girl rather than the guy because girl doesn’t know how to preserve herself careful and easy to hang out with guy in private place. I was depressed for a long time because i didn’t know if i was wrong to love a guy and was very closed with him, to give him the chance to rape me. Anyway, i can’t change the past, and i feel much better when i shared everything here. Thanks for all your comments for my post.