Hi Guys,
How are you? Again sorry its so late… Well it’s really not that late… Only not really… It’s 9 here…. Soo yeah…
How am I? Does it matter? Does it matter how I am? Does it matter what I am feeling? No it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. Only you matter. I don’t. So yeah…. Um yeah…
Here’s a monologue thingie:
I have it planned out. I wouldn’t say goodbye. I wouldn’t tell you. It’d be a surprise. You would think I am fine. Because I am. To you I am fine. To you I am doing just great. To you I am perfectly stable. In reality I am not. I am breaking but I can’t tell you that. I want to die so badly right now but you cannot know that. I feel like submitting into the darkness but you can’t know that. You need to know I am fine. That I am okay. But am I really? No. I am far from okay. I am far from fine. How am I? If it matters I am terrible. I am awful. I want one last push to end this so desperately. But then I think of you. Of how guilty you would be. Of how broken you would be. I then ask myself. Do I matter that much to you? How am I? Broken beyond repair, but you can’t know that. I am doing awful. When you go to sleep peacefully, drifting off, dreaming. I cry myself to sleep to just be in this cage of nightmares and terrors. But does it even matter in the end?
Au Demain
4 comments
That’s okay, I’m from the future (1647hrs on Feb 3rd to be exact) so all that matters in this regard is that you make your post and get it all off your mind.
I share many of the same thoughts/feelings that you’ve expressed in your monologue, it pains me that someone else could be experiencing these same feelings. It feels weird knowing that while others sleep peacefully and dream of unicorns and double rainbows and stuff, people like me and you stay up and become overwhelmed by our own worst fears. Although, to date I have not shed a tear. I find it unnerving.
I have no idea how to end this comment, so…um…yeah, take care!
Adieu.
I feel the same way as well, and I’m really considering it. I hate life. The only reason I’m trying to avoid it is because I love my niece and nephew. My niece will be 19 months in July, and my nephew will be 10 months in April. I hate myself. I disowned my sperm and egg donor. I constantly tell people I am fine. My birthday is in 9 days; My 22nd. I don’t even want to see that day.
Hey LetitGo.
What is it you have planned.
You matter to me, please talk about it.
Im sure OnlyLoveisReal wants to hear too.
LetItGo, Koji is so correct! We want to know everything that troubles you, we want to know everything that makes you happy! We need to find your desire to live a full and happy life again. It is in you somewhere. We need to help you more. Keep pointing us in that direction until we find every broken piece of you and carry you to a better place, a place that you don’t fear the future, a place where you can love yourself, a place where those around you love you unconditionally. We are here for you LetItGo, every step of the way. You matter to us.