have a nice social buzz going what better time to reach out? today is an anniversary of sorts for me. one year ago today i got felt up by a cop in front of an office full of people. checking for the gun i had recently purchased. in my state i had to wait 3 days to get it. so therefore i didn’t have it yet. the whole incident was traumatizing. and in after thought was a mistake. should have learned to keep my mouth shut. i really don’t know what i was hoping to accomplish. my stay at the nut hut was a waste of money. but oh well. the only thing i got “saved” from is a shitty gun that misfired. so the question of the day how do i feel about being still here? i can’t really say. things haven’t gotten better in a years time. but my mindset has changed. i am looking at suicide more like a business decision. getting things in order for those left behind. there is no hysterical drama. just a philosophical thought of “to be or not to be”. to those who ask how can i be so cold and callused. i would say that i have done my time. and when i can’t stand this depression bullshit anymore then its time to go. as i told my shrink recently if anything was imminent i wouldn’t be sitting there talking to him. i will be “saved” if i want to be. if not there won’t be any broadcasting my intentions. i think i have said enough.
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What has not changed that you think you could have changed in a years time?
As I’m reading through SP posts, I find yours to be among those I most empathize with. You are utterly right that when we’re done with depression (when WE’RE done with IT), we can just walk away. And I think you’re also right that the way to walk away is without any fuss. What good is likely to come of assuming fuss? Again, you’re right in your assertion to your therapist–that, given your perspective on suicide, if it were imminent, you wouldn’t be sitting there having a discussion with him/her. Until they begin tagging us like (other) animals and somehow predicting from physiological changes when we’re very close to committing suicide, it remains, for those who think like you do, like I do, a definitively personal decision, life-contracts with counsellors/therapists be da*ned.
I agree with you. When we’ve determined we’ve done our time we should be free to get the h*ll out of here.
By the way, what happened to you at the hands of those who … (excuse me, I had to un-swallow my tongue) “uphold” the law was unforgivable. When I was in school something similar happened to me. And no one would help me–not my adviser at school (the university didn’t want to get involved), not the local police department (I know–duh!), and not even the American Civil Liberties Union (who decided I hadn’t suffered enough material damage to justify a law suit). So my soul ate the incident… You feel raped when the authorities themselves are the perpetrator of injustice, and you cannot defend yourself. You feel raped, and the effects can haunt you terribly for the rest of your life. I empathize with you.
what i was hoping for is some sort of improvement in my life. some time when suicide is no longer an option. i just seem to be getting more determined. as for my reference to the jpd i was being facetious. i had never been patted down or ridden in the back of a squad car before.