I keep moving forward toward it. I’m trying to shake the guilt. Â Living all these years for others it’s time I get to choose for myself. Â Tomorrow I make a firm plan for method, which dictates a timeline. Â I have some cases I have to wrap up at work. Â I’ve told a lot of my clients they need to move on and find someone else to help them but there are about three cases that are almost done and I don’t want to screw them overby not finishing. Â But I think I can wrap that up in two weeks, three tops.
but I came here because I feel lonely with it. Â Here I am, at the end of my life, and I can’t email a friend to make a joke about it or otherwise connect. I don’t want them to blame themselves for not seeing some kind of warning signs, so I slog through deeply alone with this most personal and monumental decision.
I don’t want to end my life in secrecy and deep solitude. Â So if anyone is around for kinship, I greatly appreciate it. I’m not looking for a suicide pact or ideas or anything. Â Just to not be so utterly alone at this final stage of my life.
9 comments
we are born alone and we die alone its sad, but its the thoughts and the empty feelings that rip away at you. Its even more difficult to roam around pretending like things are just fine when inside your screaming to die. Something like the movie american psycho but with depression instead. Sometimes I go outside and my day is ruined because I can already feel the emptiness the facade that I’m living. That I’m happy that I’m trying I laugh but never have I truly do I feel real joy. All I want to do is cry just lay down in my bed not have to think about anything I try, I really do I go to work I work long hrs then after work I go to school just to study and not think about anything. I try to focus on anything aside from the pain but yet there is always a time when the pain gets to me. It probably sounds sick but sometimes I picture what my death would look like using different methods. I have a general idea as to a few possible hows just not an exact when but I’m think 8 months to be safe.
I made an attempt when I was 23. It was so disappointing to have failed. Then I thought I got better and had kids. Even though I’ve had incredibly suicidal episodes I’ve never made another attempt. It just seemed so unfair to them. But now they’re 21 and 25. I’m not thrilled about doing this to them but I’m done. They’re healthy, they’ll make it. It’s different now. I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but I feel like I’ve earned the right. Anyway thank you for replying. I realize we’re in different places, but it means a lot that you responded. Thank you.
Just wanted to say, I don’t think that makes you sound like a dick at all. You could have done it much earlier, selfishly. But you didn’t, you struggled on and made it through, for them. At least in those final moments you can look back and be proud of that, and maybe find a little solace in it. It’s kind of surreal being on this site, leaving messages for and talking to people who might very well be gone relatively soon. I’d be happy to talk if you wanted, although we might not have too much in common.
PhotoEclipse, it is surreal. I don’t understand why it exists, do you?
Sometimes there’s nothing to say. Sending you a big hug.
Thank you karakkaas 🙂
i don’t see any sensible reason for your suicide, i’d like to know why. if you like to talk to me, i’ll reply gladly.
Why does my reason matter? It’s totally irrelevant. I’m asking for friendship, not approval.
I know exactly how you feel- The deception that is required in order to be successful is completely isolating- To be at a birthday party or on an outing with friends, talking and commiserating…all the time knowing in your mind what you are really planning…what you are really thinking…they can never know….Its the loneliest feeling in the world…
Why cant we just be honest…? (God what a relief that would be) If we could all be honest with one another…
As I move toward my exit point, a continual monologue runs through my mind, of what I would like to share … with my father and few friends about why I have made this choice…but I cant…
If you would like to talk more, AliceM am here- I think we are probably close the same age-