Every few days I go out to get some groceries, as I did today. It isn’t that I don’t want to go out- I do want to feel sun on my face and breathe in fresh air. I need that; I need that most days. But I often find myself unable to get out because I am scared, depressed, feeling trauma – because when I do go out, Â I feel disconnected, anxiety and very lost. As soon as I am done w groceries I head home, and it also gives me anxiety that I have to make the journey home. I am completely lost and broken. I just want to be the person I was, but it is impossible now at this point. I have been this way for many many months. When I see a train coming, I contemplate (not that I would ever jump in front of a train, but I have in these desperate moments actually considered it, and this is very out of character of me, because I would never want to meet such a violent and gruesome end. At times I am afraid to go out, because I know if I am in distress I would have that feeling of wanting to jump off a bridge. I know I can’t continue to be in this state, this perpetual limbo. Either end my life or go on w life, but if I go on w life, my future would not be bright. It is unacceptable to me to be less, so much less than I was. If I have a moment of telling myself ‘I choose life’ about 10 minutes later, all reality hits me and I am in the same situation, same depression, same fears, same outcome w debilitating illness, same low quality of life that is unacceptable to me. I was once a happier girl with confidence and at least some joy and appreciation for life, who loved music (I still do) and film, and loved talking bout music and film, had hobbies and interests, love wandering around the city. Flirt and be playful when I meet someone I like; I felt beautiful; always worked on being as healthy as I can because my health had always been my priority. Now I am nothing but damaged and broken- can barely look after myself, can barely run a small errand without anxiety; every small task is a huge task. When I get back home I am alone and have just as much anxiety too. It isn’t acceptable to me to be less than I was, yet I do nothing to change because I know the future is bleak and I have given up on life.
11 comments
How are you less than you were ? Aren’t you just different ? What makes you think of that ? What took your confidence away ? Don’t expect your future to be bright or dark, you don’T know it yet. Just focus on now, cause you’re miserable, and you deserve to feel better. If you don’t feel you deserve it, then at least I know you do.
Being hurt doesn’t make you less worthy than you ever were. You just need to heal and learn to trust again.
i don’t think “learn to trust” is the issue, but rather, the lack of trustworthy compatible people encountered, is.
I’m pretty sure we all know “how” to trust… but from past experiences, we have learned that we often shouldn’t… and have encountered an absence of those whom should be trusted.
Here we are again. what do YOU have to say to help that person ? I mean, except denying others comment ?
there’s no reason for you to be upset.
The OP most likely already knows “how” to trust.
The OP most likely needs to encounter trustworthy people, which is a whole different problem than “learning how to trust.”
The way in which pointing this out could be helpful, should be self evident.
What should be or not to be isn’t really up to you. Unless you’re God or something like that and even then…
And I’ll react however I want. I’m not gonna feel like you think I should feel, just because you try to project that you’re always right.
Other than that, Fox, please know that there’s still hope, and if you need to talk, tell me.
I’ll never understand why people seem to have such a problem with me being right… or even trying to be.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to be right. And if you think there is, then you are beyond help. No one should be attempting to demonize effort toward correctness. To do so is both irrational and needlessly destructive. Everyone should try to be right. If you’re not even trying to be right… why should you ever complain that anything is wrong?
You should focus first on trying to identify the correct problem, then attempt to most efficiently and effectively resolve that problem, rather than clinging to old fashioned and erroneous, tired cliches, like “learn to trust.”
Anyone who knows the definition of that word, should already know “how.” It’s axiomatic. The “how” is right there in the very definition.
The problem is not HOW to trust, but WHOM. If you trust the wrong people, bad things will happen. If you trust the right people, you should not have trust-related problems with those people. Knowing this, the problem then becomes finding trustworthy people, so that you can trust someone, so that you can have some semblance of “community,” rather than being stuck alone in a harsh and scary world, with no one to trust. And even still, it’s pretty rare to find someone worthy of being trusted /completely/.
trust yourself and in life. good way to start consuming idea of trust.
Whatever Clevername. No matter what I’ll say, you’ll say the opposite or think it’s wrong, so that’s why I won’t ever bother anymore. This isnt supposed to be a place to discuss it anyway. If you only can help people by telling what’s wrong with others attempt to help them, you probably don’t know that much. People usually appreciate the intention, and not always the EXACT way of saying it.
And by the way, I love you Clevername ♥
Heh. If you said what i thought was right, i’d agree with you… and maybe even expound upon it. I never go around just saying the opposite of whatever any certain person says. That’s antagonism, and i try to minimize my antagonistic tendencies, and try to reserve any such thing for appropriate circumstances, like if, for example, “they started it.” (lol)
In case it wasn’t clear the first time… i was only disagreeing with the very last four words of your comment.
And you know… identifying and articulating problems is one of the few things i’m actually good at. If you don’t understand the problem, how can you solve it? If you can’t effectively communicate the correct problem, how can you get help? If you spend time and energy on the wrong problem, the more important problem will remain unsolved.
I don’t always have the necessary tools to actually solve the problems i identify (in fact, this is at the crux of my issues; i lack the means to solve the correct problems), but correctly identifying them is at least a step in the right direction. Even if you solve the incorrect problem perfectly, that solution will most likely not be compatible, or not be the best solution, for the correct problem… or it could even make the actual problem even worse, by applying even more complications from an incompatible solution, which was designed for the wrong problem.
And then there’s the issue of determining whether the correctly identified problem, can even be solved at all. If you can figure out that you simply cannot solve the problem, then you don’t want to waste all your resources on something that is impossible, and should instead shift your focus to something that can actually be accomplished.
Solving problems isn’t always about “knowing that much,” but is usually more about crunching the data you can know. No one can know everything. I tend to use my brain more for heuristic analysis and “computation,” than for data storage. I don’t like to memorize things, and i often can’t easily do so, unless i can connect those facts to something… so that the “filesystem” can manage my data automatically, through efficient heuristics, like a “background process,” rather than requiring conscious maintenance of all my collected data. Sometimes stuff gets archived. Sometimes i lose bits when i have to reconfigure the filesystem in attempt to improve access to my own stored information.
Oh, also, i almost forgot:
“How are you less than you were ? Aren’t you just different ? What makes you think of that ?”
It’s all about value systems, and how we learn to assess and assign value to ourselves. If you compare your current self evaluation to your prior self evaluation, and find your current self… lacking, or reduced, in some ways… then you may indeed feel like “less.” I would definitely have to say i feel like “less” than what i used to be; all the mental progress i’ve made in the last few years, cannot ever hope to compensate for the contrasting physical decline which motivated the shift of focus toward mental development. Life is primarily about the physical. I would trade my mental acuity for physical advantages, without hesitation. Instead, i have an exceptional mind, stuck in a body no one will ever want… not because it’s so bad, but because it’s simply not good enough.
Knowing (or at least having a fair grasp of) what’s real and true, will help you figure out who to trust… but may or may not contribute to actually finding any such person (though i tend to think it should). And, always try to give people trust tests, with minimal risk of negative impacts. If you can’t trust someone with something small, don’t trust them with something big. Don’t put anything you can’t afford to lose, in the hands of someone you’re not ready to trust.
I want to rephrase that 3rd chunk from the top:
Learn to identify the problem.
If you can’t identify it, you can’t understand it.
If you can’t understand it, you can’t communicate it.
If you can’t communicate it, you can’t get help.
If you can’t get help, you’re stuck with a problem you can’t identify, understand, or communicate.
Sometimes you just need “the gist,” so that you can notify someone who can help you better identify the problem, and then work through the rest from there.