Hey.
I’m 23, trans, and recently diagnosed with thoracic and a rare cervical scoliosis. It’s not so extreme that it’s noticeable with clothes on but, in a way, that makes it worse. Without clothes it’s fairly easy to spot if you know what you’re looking for. I’ve known about the asymmetries for years, but I didn’t realise they were part of a  bigger problem, just “bad posture”. My parents never noticed it because I hid it (secretly I was ashamed of it). Everytime I brought it up with my parents they’d tell me “stop slouching over the computer” or “stop carrying heavy bags”–implying that I was somehow responsible for my own scoliosis, though they didn’t know what I had at the time. I’ve had pain for years (migranes, worn down joints in my jaw from the way my head hangs, limping from the foot length differences, a right shoulder that can’t rotate properly, back pain all over the place, and most recently neck pain too), but I never brought it up because people got bored of me, and my parents lectured me if I tried. Even doctors told me to just take painkillers and never looked me down, leading me to think there was nothing possibly seriously wrong.
Except, there is. I have a bent body. I want a woman’s body, desperately, but what I have is a deformed male body. And I could have done something about it. I wasn’t (I think) born with these problems. I had some time when I was 10-13 when I could have changed stuff, but… I didn’t. And not because I was stupid.
And I haven’t transitioned before BECAUSE of my body. I feel naked without something covering my uneven shoulders, and bra straps constantly slide off them. As a man I can wear whatever I want and nobody cares, but as a woman people scrutinise me, and might notice my deformities. And I like people telling me that they think I’m beautiful. I don’t want that taken away because I’m a) trans or b) disabled. I want to be a pretty woman, but I don’t know if I can really do it.
And my scoliosis won’t ever get better. Because of other people’s negligence and ignorance I’m stuck in this mangy, mangled body. That’s mangled in such a rare, but ultimately not-so-bad-for-surgery way. It’s got so many flaws. I want to live. I want to see the sky, and be with friends and be with family, but I CAN’T live like this, not when I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without shivering. I wish I could just cut my head off at my shoulders and put it on a new body.
I’ll never be normal.
2 comments
Hi, first of all, you’re so brave for being yourself. I really appreciate people like you, that are themselves. Thank you for that. You bring beauty in the world this way. I’m not sure what state/ country you live, but I think if you wish to live or get better, your best bet will be to go to a trans* center and get some help. Here in LA there is the Gay and Lesbian Center that has great trans* resources. I would suggest to also go to a Planned Parenthood instead of a doctor because doctors in regular hospitals aren’t as knowledgeable about LGBTQAI issues as they should be. Listen, you’re already beautiful for being yourself 🙂 you really are. Continue being yourself regardless of what people say. Fuck them. Your beauty shines through. I’m sorry you’re going through so much physical and emotional pain. Like I said, a trans* support group can really help you. Also, ask for my email if you want to chat further. I’d love to be support for you. Wishing you the best, in kindness- Rose
p.s- Why would you want to be “normal”? there is no such thing as that. “normal” is a societal norm that tries and stigmatizes individuals to fit into the mold of expectations. This takes away your uniqueness. Don’t ever try to be “normal’, be yourself always.