Um, so… Hi?
Google suggested I come here and I really don’t know if that was such a good idea or not. I’m Pro Choice and this site doesn’t look like it gives you much of a choice. “SP” looks like a “No Kill Zone” and that’s fine, but I’m more a “Living Optional” kind of person. It kills me when people make choices for you, but don’t come up with a solution. “It’ll get better…” they croak, but the sad truth is, no it doesn’t get better; it gets worse.
If you’re young, wait a few years; If you’re old, hey, maybe in a few days you’ll die of natural causes and won’t have to do the dirty work; if you’re middle aged… what’s stopping you?
What’s stopping me is that I’m young and I have places I want to go and things I want to do. Suicidal feelings and urges never change. No matter how good things are or how bad things are I get that desperate feeling. Like there is no way out and all that’s left to do is die. It’s horrible and no DR or RX will make it go away. I have to learn to live with this terrible monkey on my back.
Oh well, I’m sure, no one here understands.
3 comments
I don’t think SP is “anti-choice,” or, “pro-life,” or, “in favor of wombats overlords.” Rather, the administrators and the folks that run the site feel it’d be irresponsible not to prohibit pro-suicide banter for much the same reason that physical assault or bullying might be off-limits in a schoolyard. Too much liberalism in that venue and the wolves come flocking in to feast.
But I think you might be mistaken to think that nobody here understands what you’re saying – people wouldn’t use this site if they didn’t have a similar monkey on their own back, no?
You’re right. Suicidal thoughts have been my fall back position since I was 19 when I attempted to slit my wrists. When things go bad I find myself wandering over a bridge late at night. When things are good the bridge is still there but not such a magnetic draw. So, ya, I have to learn to live with this monkey, but I am at the point where I don’t believe it’s a “terrible” monkey. I look at the bridge as a reset button and a quick one at that. In a 3 second fall I think I’ll experience the freedom of flight and plummeting 150 or so feet into murky waters. Perhaps my life will flash before my eyes and hopefully I’ll find a smile to bring me to whatever waits. I want to fall without having used drugs or alcohol. I want a clear mind knowing exactly what I’m doing. I want to be looking straight up at the sky, stars, moon, smiling or full out laugh. I’ve seen this scene, I’ve played this role in my mind and came close many many times in my 62 years of this life. When it pops into my mind these days, which is almost every day, I say, “Hello old friend. Today? Do we take flight today and push that reset button?”
@Randall, over 40 years of flirting with suicide? I say you leave it alone since life has made you hang on this long. After all, it’s a gift