To scared to get the thing that would make me feel better…a job.

I don’t know. I’ve been having anxiety and depression episodes since I don’t know when. When i left high school i started to study. During my studies I broke down and my parents told me i do not need to study, i can just get a job and be done with it. But even then I was shit scared about the idea of real job. So I went back to the studies because I’d still feel shit while studying but at least I would not have to think about getting a real job. So the years went on and I got my first degree and felt shit the entire time while working towards it. Same with my honors. It was hard, irritating and time consuming, but I would rather hide behind my studies than getting a real job. Then came the 3rd degree, the internship and the boards exam. Still feeling like crap the entire time through, bugged by suicidal thoughts and unhappiness but still going on.

Now…now the studies are done, but the anxiety and unhappiness still stays. And there is nowhere to hide…I have to find a job. I’m so shit scared that i would rather die then going for interviews and the fear of getting past the interviews, into a job and breaking down in the middle of the office. I’m a psychometirst but cant find an open position as such. now im starting to look for other opportunities but still…scare out of my mind.

Just putting up an add on job search sites is nerve wrecking. what if someone contacts me, what if i go for the interview, what if i get the job…what if i fuck it up just because i cant control my thoughts and feelings. I am on medication, and I’m seeing a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy, but it doesn’t seem to work. He tells me that I should start to think of myself in a more positive light. but is hard when you hate yourself. When you mind is going on about how fucking unfair it is that I should feel like i do all the time. Others make it seem so easy. “Oh well, im going for this job and I going to be okay”. wish i could think like that. My biggest wish is to go and to just do my 9 to 5, go home and do what ever i want with my spare time because you know what, “I worked my arse of today” .

the times i actually had a job i was kind off happy. I didn’t think about negative things or worries. I was just happy. So the thing that stands in the way of my happiness is an incredible low self esteem. I want a job with all my heart, but im too scared to get one. Fuck I hate it. Most of the people that attended school with me have been working at their careers for years now. they have homes and cars, savings, marriage, children. Where am i? Sitting and moping day after fucking day, just because i cant shake this thing thats bringing me down. Im tired of seeing the one psychologist after another. you pay them a fuck load of money each time and you have an hour to do what must be done. an hour. What the fuck can you do in an hour? Not a single psychologist has really helped me up till now. they are useless to me. Psychiatrists i can still understand cause they have to give you your meds, but psychologists is another thing to me.

IF they can help you fine, they get there full fee. I they can’t or didn’t help you at all, fine for them, they still get their full fee. I can’t waste money and time anymore. I have to get busy living or get busy dying…and Fucking sooner than later please.