Suicide….it is ever present in my mind…I’ve almost finished with all of the paperwork (will, power of attorney, advance directive, etc). I’ve prepaid for my cremation. The urge just won’t leave me alone or give me any respite, any rest. I think of suicide each and every day now.
I am so profoundly and desperately lonely. I have a constant headache. I could buy a gun tomorrow (this is Arizona where people openly carry them into restaurants)…I could answer the call of the Golden Gate Bridge….I just don’t know. I cannot discuss this with anyone I know, it’s already caused some people to avoid me and denigrate me behind my back. Who needs that? I already feel like I’m a complete waste of space, or like I have a deadly communicable disease.
For the last couple of days I have been looking at Suicide Tribute sites and find myself in total envy of those who had the guts to end it all. Would the hypocrites who mock and despise me then create a loving and desolate tribute to me? Or would they just be glad that I have gone, not worthy of one single tear?
I am so alone, so tired and so ready for this hell to be over. In two weeks my 59th birthday will arrive…regardless if I am still in this world to mark the date all alone.
I need an answer from somewhere or some higher power…..tell me what to do…tell me how I can get the headache to stop, how I can get some sleep, how I can end the deep loneliness…..or how I can finally end this.
8 comments
You have many difficult questions. And I bet you’ve had them for a long time. If you could get one answered, which one would it be?
I have been drawn to the GG Bridge for many years….I grew up in the bay area….I know two people who jumped….I am fully aware of the pros and cons of attempting from there…I know what it does to the body…but maybe that’s what I deserve.
Which question answered/problem solved would I give priority to? I would say my deep loneliness.
My mother passed away on April 18th last year…the 1st anniv is almost here…I cant tell you how I dread it. For the last two years of her life I was her companion and caregiver….it was such a precious burden to carry. I, myself, was sticken with several sudden heart issues in August of 2009 and I have been disabled ever since….I worked for nearly 40 years and then suddenly it was done.
Mom was just “done” with life…she wanted to be with Dad and her parents again….in her dementia, she would ask where they were and I had to explain they had all been gone for years….and then I sat and held her as she cried like a baby……I, too, feel like I am just “done.”
I have no answers.. I don’t know what to do either but you aren’t alone. I saw a doc on suicide at the GG a few months and it was too too sad. I wrote a post about the GG last week but I never posted it. I suppose I would have that urge if I lived there. I don’t know what to say. I am sorry for your pain.
My mother was cremated. She committed suicide; she shot herself in the head. She would be about your age by now. I can’t count the times I have tried to committ suicide. I thought I had moved past the attempts, but then after a horrific breakup, fleeing my family for physical safety, and countless failed attempts at making friends, I ventured in to starving myself again.
I did eat a little after posting on here.
My mother wasn’t a great person, not even particularly loveable. But I miss her; the ache never goes away. I miss her so much it near kills me. I’d give almost anything to have her back, to know her, even if she was horrific at times. She was severely mentally ill.
I do respect her decision though. It was hers to own. I get so much flack for that.
I am angry. Not at her or people that kill themselves. I am angry that people hurt so bad and are dealt with such terrible pain or numbness that to go on living seems impractical. You are not selfish. People try and tell me that. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that. You are not. You are a human being and you are hurting deeply.
One of the things that does keep me from suicide is that I am mostly agnostic/even atheist at times. If this is it, then this is it motto. Sometimes that biological mechanism supercedes and has more of an urge NOT to exist.
For what it’s worth, you don’t deserve this pain.
Thank you, all, for your comments and input. It actually does help, or at least takes the edge off slightly. In a cerebral way, I know and understand what you are all saying…but my heart, damaged as it is, just can’t deal with it all these days.
I am the youngest of 3 and the only one available to come care for Mom when her dementia started to head down the road to Alzheimer’s. I have no spouse or children. We all felt like we had the best Mom in the world. I am very like her in temperament and personality. I was her baby boy.
I do have faith and a belief in God….I don’t buy into the going to hell business…I don’t believe in hell. I believe that if I finally have to give in and surrender to the pain, God will not hold it against me and will welcome me as a lost sheep. I know that God would not want me to do this, but I have been given free will and that means I will have done my utmost to stay alive until the well runs irrevocably dry.
So thank you all, again. I’ll check back in from time to time to let you know how I’m doing. And I appreciate that none of you, rather than admonishing me to stay alive or telling me how to run my life, have simply “been there” as a voice, a companion…so for these few moments, I know I am NOT alone.
Sorry, what I meant to say was sometimes my biological instinct to keep going wins over emotional pain. I’m not even sure that makes sense.
You are very right in that you are not going to hell; I find comfort in reading that. I care for my elderly grandparents. They are my ownly family left; I am in my twenties. The pain of watching their descent has near ripped my soul from it’s body. You have no idea how much I admire your faith in God; you are a strong person.
Your answer is coming or it might have already arrived.
Like the story of the man refusing to leave his house when dam breaks and threatens to flood his house.
A man with an RV drives by and offers him a ride. He says, “No, I believe the Lord will help me.”
The waters rise.
A man in a canoe floats by and offers him assistance. He says, “No, the Lord will save me.”
Water rises
A house boat full of people float by and urge him to come. “NOOO..the Lord is coming.”
He’s standing on his roof and a helicopter drops a rope. He says, “No..I believe in the Lord.”
He drowns and goes to meet his maker. He asks, “I cried out for you Lord, why didn’t you answer, why didn’t you save me?”
Lord says, “Well, shit..I sent you an RV, Canoe, Houseboat, and a Helicopter for Christs sake.”