This morning I found myself clutching my wrist. There was a bag of razors in the bathroom, my dad was watchin tv, it wouldn’t have been hard to just end it all right there. I dont want to kill myself, I want to be killed. I pray for someone to just run me over, to get my kidnapped by terrorists and shot in the head. I want someone to just do me a favor. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave my family? Do people on this earth really need me or am I just flattering myself? I just dont know anymore. I give up…
end it all
I wish I could tell the people closest to me that I want to end it all.. I wish someone would say: “It’s okay, you can let go.”
I just want to end the pain, the sadness, the constant voice in my head saying that I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.
Last night I was told that nobody will ever love me. I believed that I was destined for love. Now I don’t believe in it anymore.
Does it make me a sinner for wanting to die??
I hope this to be my last post ever on this website. For me, things did not get better. I know now that they will not get better. Anytime something good ever happens to me, it gets taken away from me. It is always a matter of time before something knocks my happiness off course. I hope tomorrow I can end my life. I pray for it. My parents will be working and it my perfect chance to end it all. Maybe sometime this week. Even though things did not get better for me, it may get better for whomever is reading this. Stay strong. Keep fighting. Love yourself because you are all you have in this world. Hopefully this is goodbye to everyone forever.
Went to the shop to get milk and some alcohol, to make some pudding and drown my sorrows. Got me some vine but I see that I can’t f#cking open it.
Besides that I just wanna f#cking die since a month. I really don’T want therapy, I don’t want to feel happiness, I enjoy my pass-time activities but I am not happy, even when I had my first girlfriend I was apathetic and didn’t feel anything.
Every time I am at my parents house, the gun locker laughs at me, I could just end it all, go to the forest and bang.
I started a new job today, my first full-time job in six months. I wish I could give it a chance, but my mind won’t let me. So many times today I asked myself why I dragged myself back into this grind when three months ago I was so ready to just say fuck it and end it all. I feel like now I’ve just taken on more expectations and added a whole new set of people I’m probably going to let down the next time I have a really bad couple of weeks. Part of me clearly doesn’t want to give up, but the rest of my brain is telling me I foolishly got my hopes up and sooner or later I’m going to pay.
I know I would feel differently if I had some sort of drive, or thought I had a decent chance at a meaningful life, but I don’t see a reason to think that. The things that lots of people find meaningful – family, love, relationships – are exactly the things I want to get as fucking far away from as I can. And despite all my dreams of finding a perfect job, in real life there are no perfect jobs, even the best jobs have a lot of drudgery. So it’s just grinding for five days so you can maybe enjoy yourself for two, plus dealing with family obligations and other bullshit. I can’t say there’s anything I really want out of life that would make that seem worthwhile.
You ever just wish there was a button that would end it all? I would have been dead a long time ago. I would be dying right now. My life just kind of hit the fan. I’m 32, my girlfriend/fiance of 4 years just broke up. I was a complete asshole so deserve the pain I am feeling right now. I think this must be the most depressed I have ever been. And I’ve been in the hospital 3 times for attempts…major failure at death apparently. I feel so utterly depressed about my situation that my mind is even too clouded to think seriously about suicide or a plan. I have been cutting deeply again. I feel like such a loser.
Well it all started when i was about 7 my mom went to jail for lust and i started getting into pot at 12 but aroung that time i got caught shoplifting which put me through hell then a bne (breaking an entering) then it keeps getting worse. I have a scare on my back from when i was abused at the age of 5 but that bothers me no more last year i got knocked out from a choke hold by my dad then a couple days after that i got caught smoking pot on school grounds then i moved in with my sisters but after a few months i forgave my dad and now court is making me choose who to live with but thats not the worst part. I fell in love with a girl that was 13 and im 16. Is it wrong for a 16 year old boy to be with a 13 year old girl she was born in 2002 and me 2000? Anyway but some one called the cops on us for sopposedly doing sexual things behind a bowling ally and thats when i wanted to die!!! its been a week sence it happened but i cant get this feeling out i want to feel that scar on my back get remade i really wanted to kill myself when i seen her scared and tears rolling down her face as she sat in the cop car ive already cut my wrist and already had opprotunitys to end it all but i was a cowered but all i can think about is her and not knowing if she cut herself again aswell makes me more and more scared i know it sounds hippicritical or how ever that word is spelled but i told her to promis not to and putting her through that killed me inside i do t know what to do but feel like i must die so i dont go through future pain but i love her and she dosnt need that too i dont know what to do im so scared right now and i dont wanna fuck up anymore i just want it all to end every nigh i hope that some one breaks into my home and kills me!!!!! Im so sick of living
You hear all the time how people find comfort in finding others that are going through the same thing as them. I don’t. To me it makes me loose hope that there’s and end to this crap going on in my head.
There are sooooo many people with at least some sort of depression or mental health issues it seems like that’s just the way it is. That’s being human. I think it’s totally unacceptable for a race (as in human race) to have that as a norm. It also kills all hope to be free of it.
I’m just supposed to accept it because everyone else goes through the same thing? I can’t. I’m at a total loss as to what to do about it. I wish that people would just be accepting of suicide so that I can end it all and not hurt people who want me to live. They just can’t see that it would be setting me free. I wouldn’t have to live the torture of the depressed mind and when it hasn’t taken over, the fear of when it will come back.
I’m terrified of making plans. Who knows what that day will be like in my head. I hate letting people down. I hate failing.
I’m so tired of fighting the same fight over and over. So what if you win, it won’t last. The cycle is nauseating, and nobody likes being nauseous.
When I was younger, I was also a lot happier, because I had no worries about what could happen next, I never thought that not paying attention in class leads me to being really dumb and unable to graduate and therefore find a job. Even if I do, for what? So I can just keep paying stupid bills and doing the absolute same thing every day just so I can live?
Every single stupid decision I ever made my life harder every passing day. Every single fucking one of them, I regret them and there’s no way I can go back and change them, it’s just too late, too late to say sorry to that one person who actually cared for me, too late to actually study and have a chance of having success in life, too late…
If everything in my life is so shit and so unfix-able, then why is it so hard for me to end it, why is it so hard for me to just jump off that one tall building, why is it so hard to just cut myself until I bleed to death, knowing it would just end it all and stop this struggle? Because there might be something way worse in the afterlife, because my next life (if it exists) will be even more shit? WHY?
So I have been temporarily let out of the hospital… On condition that a nurse is always has to come over and check on me I wanted to surprise you guy’s I was let out maybe 6 hours ago I just didn’t feel like talking… The hospital made me worse currently right now is a box of painkillers with over 750 pills in it and I don’t know what’s stopping me from taking the whole lot…. I’m honestly done with life but if I fuck up now and don’t succeed I won’t be let out of the hospital for a year or 2….
My “Mom” is currently gambling and she won $600 so right now I’m alone. I could end it all but something stops me from doing so…
Well its finally come down to it I’m either going to end it all in the most lethal and consequently probably most painful method possible today or I’m going to go the hospital and go back to the psych ward to try to get some help tomorrow. Honestly I’d rather end it because I doubt getting help will really work but getting myself to use a means like that is really difficult
I am thinking, and searching on Google about it. And it feels good doing so because then everything becomes bearable: being scared of my future, being alone, being tired. I am thinking of staying on bed all day. I am sucking bigtime on my work and on my classes. I am trying and trying. But at the end nothing is working against my depression.
I am on therapy and on classes on how to deal with things. I am here. I called people and tried exercising. Tried being positive and living in present time. That’s what I am working on right now. But if I could think of something in this very moment it would be to end it all.
So I know this guy and he told me how to try something I doubt may work… I don’t get all the details. But maybe I can try… or maybe I can just lay here and do nothing because it would be cheaper and easier. (More likely)
Staying home all day won’t solve anything but then again nothing will.
I’m sick of being bullied everyday for not being good enough for not bowing down to what everyone says. I’ve lost control of life but I don’t want to get back in control of life. I want control of death and finally end it all. Five attempts should say enough. Anyone feel the same?
(EDIT): I have my story (all 5 of them) I’m sure you have your’s…. I’ll share if you share 🙂
I’m not sick of feeling the way I feel, I’ve grown use to it and I have welcomed it and I now embrace it with every fiber in me. It has now become a part of me, a part of what makes me, me and who I am.
I get these overwhelmingly strong feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness and anxiety and frustration with myself. It’s been like this now for the past year. I tried to hide all of it from people for quite a while but one day I got a panic attack in class and that’s when my friends found out that my smiles had been fake all this time. I try to drop some hints to my mum that I feel “down” or “I just want to end it all” but she thinks its all just teenage angst or just hormones at this age.
Is it really just angst if I think about suicide all the time and actually plan it out and decide what to do when the day comes? Is it just angst or hormones if I’ve tried it once before? Is it just angst when I feel hopeless and disgusted by myself all the time?
I tried to strangle myself with a belt last year but someone rang the doorbell and I heard my mom calling me to answer the door from her room then real life was coming back to me then I remembered that my mom was still there and I couldn’t just leave her like that, I didn’t even have a note ready for her. The guilt came, I felt like the most selfish ***** because moments before that, none of that was one my mind. I just wanted out.
I have a note ready now. I’m not sure when or if I’m gonna do it but I’m probably going to slash my wrists and go to bed, dying slowly. I never told my mom about any of this. I really don’t want to do this to her I love her more than anything in this world. She’s the one who makes me think; Maybe just one more day. But then again, I never chose life so would it be so wrong if I did it? I don’t want to be thought of as this emo or psycho child or attention seeker that’s why I hide it. Some days are so much better than others but it gets so much worse when I go to school because of the people around me especially teachers. I just feel trapped and I feel like I’m screaming for help but no one will ever come. I don’t know who to tell it to because mental illnesses and disorders aren’t really believed in where I come from and if I did find a good psychiatrist or therapist then it would be too freaking expensive and my parents already spend way too much on me and I don’t feel like I deserved it then I’ll feel like even more of a burden to them and this whole cycle of hating myself will start again. But I know I need the help…
Don’t you sometimes wish you could go back in time where the worst thing to ever happen was someone to use your crayons or colour pencils? I want to be five again.
Today was scary Realised there is acutely people on here that might not be here tomorrow.that is scary and I don’t know I din’t understand that earlier. To wiskered-fish I was terrified that she might be gone today so young and so tortured and lost along with everybody in this world SP including myslef.
before loging on to Sp today I been feel extremely low and suicidal the most I have years . yesterday I honstly thought I should have cut deeper and left scars showed them all how fucked up I am I should have tried to kill myslef months ago. I should have cut so deep to end it all is all thought for the past two days.
My husband came home soaking wet he was upset and his car got stuck in pot hole in the rain . he want’s to get rid of his car usually not a big deal but he loves his car. He dreams of giveing it to his son and. Him getting rid of it because i can’t provide kills me. Its been breaking down on him slowly and it not a cheap car to fix to get in ok condition will be atleast 3,000$.
He sent me in the car to look to his phone.but I feel so useless and the source of everyone’s problem especially his . the past two days his look on his eyes towards me was just not right . I saw his anger and hatred and disappointment in them towards me . and when I was looking for this phone I stood there outside the wind was blowing and I felt it, end it now that will solve his problems he will move on he will keep his car. I will slove the headache I give my parents they will be sad and get over it. My inlaws will get there perfect daughter inlaw they want when he remarried. Do it walk in to the street the car go about 60 to 75 mph that should do it .but when I turned no cars it was red light so went back to the house and loged on.
To see a innocentt girl wanting to end it all. And it scared me. She has alot lufe ahead of her . so me being the hypocritical thought don’t do it.
When laying down in the street sounded amazing.
I wish there was a way to make everyone here happy to have peace in this. SP world I really do . so no one will use this site no more all this awful feeling would be gone and this site will be no loger needed .
I HOPE EVERYBODY GET’S THREW THE NIGHT SAFELY.
Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.. I have a good job, good car, people who care about me. But I’m still not happy! And never have been. How pathetic is that? There are homeless people, children starving in Africa, someone dying of cancer right now begging for just another day. And here I am wishing I was never given this “gift” of life, I don’t see the point in it. I often think about suicide, and the only reason I don’t do it is because of my brothers, I don’t want them to feel pain. Idk if that’s selfish or selfless.
Anyways, the worst part of it all, is I’m not so sure there is an end it all. Even after death, what if we’re still miserable and unhappy?
I haven’t been doing OK,
but I have been feeling, “OK”.
And I wonder why. Yes, I am still suicidal, crying all night and day, cutting everyday.
But, during the days and nights, I haven’t been feeling, “numb.”
I have been “OK”. I haven’t felt a deep dark pit swelling inside of me. I think I realized how fine I was recently after reading posts here about how some people are very sad at the moment.
So whats the change? Why am I OK?
I’m not sure. However, I do notice my happiness comes from wondering about suicide.
As some may know, in a month I plan to end it all. And it makes me …happy.
I am OK now; I have been cutting less. I am getting better. Why? Because suicide.
I’ve been talking to my family a lot, eating more, and haven’t been experiencing nightmares.
SUICIDE IS AWESOME. I love this state…I haven’t been feeling HORRIBLY TERRIBLY AWFULLY AWFUL.
Isn’t that crazy? Isn’t that dangerous? My, I am confused.
Death makes me feel alive…
So, last few days been extremely hard. Like almost enough to end it all hard.
I stop at McDonald’s near work for a drink. She has it ready before I get inside. Seen me coming.
So for dinner, I stop at a McDonald’s out of state but a semi regular stopping point. They have my drink ready before I even order… and it’s free.
Point #1 I go to McDonald’s way too much
Point #3 I really feel like I’m “somebody” today. Now.
The first time I was like huh, that’s nice. The 2nd time I’m feeling all stupid and giddy.
So, to the girl at McDonald’s in Indiana that remembered “my” drink, and gave it to me for free… you made my day.
How bout y’all? Any little gesture ever put you on cloud nine?
every time I wake up, the very first sentence is ” I hate living”.
Today it was “Am I dead yet ?”
I got a roof and something to eat, but I spend all my time alone here in my room. But it makes me feel safe, it makes me feel good doing everything I want with no one here to see me.
Yesterday I was really ready to kill myself, something deep down drove me to take a damn knife and end it all, but then I couldn’t.
I called some line where you can talk but the person didn’t said anything that hasn’t be said.
I want to end it all, I want to let me go, but I have a family that cares for me, I got some friends who would care for me I think.
I have to possibility to end it with a gun which I prefer personally. So it feels like the guns at home are mocking me.