A sequel….

Oh hey, look at that, I’m here again.

Great.

I was dating the perfect guy for me. He had faults, but I was crazy attracted to him and regular sex helped me get over my addiction to masturbating. And then he broke it off, over THINKING I had an sti, and not trusting me even though I was crazy loyal to him.

And that’s not it, I’m doing bad at school for the first time in my life. I told my teachers I was suicidal to get out of a test, I’ve never missed a test of my own volition. Ever.

I miss holding him, and cuddling, and doing stuff by myself makes me so empty inside.

Oh, and guess what? My parents decided to fuck with my brain too.
First, I found out that even though it was “highly likely” that I had High-functioning autism/aspergers when I was 12/13….that it didn’t count as an actual diagnosis. And that they didn’t have an actual diagnosis for ADHD and my parents doubted that I was. Even though I took medications for it for 5 years as a child. Even though my speech was delayed , even though I’m socially awkward, even though everything…my parents didn’t think I was autistic.

But I’ve studied the mannerisms and googled everything under the sun about autism and aspergers, but what if I just tricked myself into believing it, or what if my parents think that is a good way to trick me into “leading a productful life and a functioning member of society” That’s not the way to go about it parents. No. As if I wasn’t already fucked up.

And I’ve been depressed and had an eating disorder, but what if some of that could have been avoided uif I was normal. I HIGHLY FUCKING DOUBT IT. But now I can’t be sure. I’ve had so many people say I’m so autistic but what if I learned all that. after all “It’s hard to tell when someone is going through puberty”

And they said my mood was labile, and what if I’m bipolar. I don’t even know.

And then they brought up the church and I tried SO hard to be patient.

And this break-up has absolutely destroyed me, I put so much work into making him happy …yet I was a complete and utter failure in it. He even brought up the future, asshole. And then ruined it. I just wanted to get to a year with him, but no.

And I’m gaining weight, ans masturbating burns a lot of calories for me and exercise doesn’t unless it is all out and then I eat too much afterwards anyways. But not for bating it makes me want to not eat, but then I just wish I was cuddling and having sex with him.

And yes, the church says not to have sex because it’ll cause pain, but you know what? I can’t switch it off!!!! And most other people can’t either unless they are biologically inferior and they know it.

And everything just sucks and I have a certain plant that I’m going to buy soon that will kill me.

I’ve tried killing myself twice by water poisoning, and I’ve cut once and I’ve almost died so many other times, but now, I think I’m ready.

I’m just so done.

And I had spring break plans with him, and now I’m one of the few students left in town. And when I grow-up, there is no spring break or summer break. And everything is futile because I’m driving myself crazy. Even when I have a giant list of things I need to do over break…

And the thing is, I tried SO HARD to be happy, I was all cheery and shit for the past few days give or take some depressive moods. But I’m getting fat by barely eating and I’m horny, and alone.  And I want substance, and I want to fulfill my needs. And I just can’t handle being me anymore.