I think we are here because we have a common interest in finding someone similar to us. Someone with a familiar story. What good this accomplishes or what you do after that is beyond me.
I am 27 years old and recently began seeking help for depression. I have been depressed for most of my life, as far back as my early teens. I figured the symptoms were just a part of my personality and didn’t think much about treatment. I didn’t want to admit that anything was wrong. Only now do I realize that I have dug myself into hole. Other people my age have growing careers, families, and lives, whereas I struggle to get out of bed most days. I have dropped out of college twice and am currently on my third attempt. I have trouble holding down menial jobs.
I think I have goals, maybe. I don’t dream. I have no ambition or desire to apply myself. I view this as my “last shot” to do something with my life. To “make something” of myself. However, deep down, I don’t think it will make much of a difference. There’s nothing for me to do after that.
I have always had thoughts of suicide. I never attempted and never really had a desire to, I just had the same pervasive thoughts about killing myself, every day, for 15 years. Some days it’s not so bad, but other days it takes most of my effort to get around it and try and do anything productive.
I tried to find private clinics in my hometown but to no avail- they either had a 6 week wait, were not accepting new patients, or were not affordable. I sought free sessions at my school’s counseling center. They were a little helpful, I felt like I really had a chance at getting better, and while I won’t have a very successful life, at least I’d be able to enjoy some of it. I got bounced around a few departments before they rejected me. They said I needed such intense care, I need to find another clinic because the campus one is closed sometimes. So I get no treatment instead of some. I don’t view it as a big loss, since I went so long without treatment. I’m back in the same boat.
The only option for the future that gives me any kind of relief is knowing that it will be over. The weight will be lifted off my shoulders. When I was younger, I used to set time frames for myself. I would say, “If things aren’t better by the time I’m 21, I’ll do it.” Then 22. And 23. And I realize now how pointless that all was. It was a snooze button I just kept pressing because I wasn’t ready to wake up. Pretty soon I’ll be ready, but for now, just give me five more minutes.
3 comments
I can relate, but I’ve only been like this for less than a year. Though I’ve been in the hospital a couple times and been on 4 different types of meds. No help, just more suicidal thoughts. I used to think I can’t go on like this for another 2 months, or if its still this bad in 6 months, I’ll for sure have killed myself. Yet I’m still here. I don’t know how. But if things are still this way by August, I’m out for sure.
I’m the very same age and dealing with mostly the same things. I didn’t go to college but completed training for one specific area of work. I did that for close to two years and realized if anything made me feel suicidal, it was that job. So I quit. That was an embarrassingly long time ago and I haven’t done much else since. Don’t want to try taking classes for something else because now I have the fear that I will just repeat the pattern of spending the money on the education and ending up not sticking with the job. I have no idea what I want to do. I have various interests, but when you frame any of them in the context of “what do you want to do for 40+ hours a week for the rest of your life”, nothing sounds good. I don’t see myself as lazy and it’s not that I want to do nothing for the rest of my life, but I do feel like I must have a lack of ambition compared to what is regarded as normal. I just don’t care. I’ve been told I’m supposed to care about “success” but I don’t.
I’ve been depressed for a long time too. Somewhere around 8th grade my family started to notice the trend of how I always looked really unhappy in pictures that were taken at school events etc. In recent years my family has asked if I have any idea why I started to go down that road, and I don’t really have an explanation.
None of it would really bother me if I had anyone who cared but I have managed to apparently ruin all my friendships and haven’t dated in a while. Nothing bothers me as much as the loneliness.
I try not to waste time setting suicide deadlines as I know I’ll probably never have the nerve to do it. For a million dollars I couldn’t tell you how I could find the strength to keep doing this if my life is going to be the same way when I’m 40 or 50, but I also don’t know that I’ll ever end it. I do jokingly think about the “27 club” though, all the musicians etc who died at this age. Not really a serious thought as I could generally not give a shit about celebrities but it has crossed my mind that it seems a popular age to die at.
Maybe in time the loneliness itself will just cause me to die. I see more and more reports that they’re starting to understand loneliness can be unhealthier than smoking, obesity, etc. Kind of have to figure it’s not good for your health when your heart hurts the second you wake up every morning because you realize that you have another day of sitting at your computer alone.
Why are we here?
I’m here to read and understand your story. Then if I can type some words, respond with a thought that might be helpful to you I will have accomplished the “why” of why I’m here.
I’m not 27. I’m many years beyond that number and the suicidal thoughts when things get out of hand have become like an old friend. They roll into my head, take control of the steering wheel for a while and point me off the road towards the cliff. Thus far I’ve been able to regain control and get back between the white lines. It’s become a game in my head. Sometimes, after I’ve regained control I laugh like a mad man. “Not this time asshole!” and I drive merrily along knowing they’ll be back, most of the time when I least expect it. Just the other day a woman I know gave me a look. That’s all…just a look that I didn’t know or couldn’t read what was in her face. So, I made up this horrific story. I concocted a whole story, which included about 3 other people. And I ran with this story to the logical conclusion that I must drive my car off the cliff. “That’ll teach’em. That’ll show them to make that look at me.” Oh…My…God! I’m insane!! Swerving back between the lines…whewww..
My next reason for being here it to click the “submit comment” button.