Other side of the line

I feel like I should have done something more to help. More often then not I feel completely useless. I worry that when I tell him these things he is on his side of the line rolling his eyes. The more I think the sadder I become. I want to stop thinking. I want to end it all. I try to change myself into to something else and lose sight of who I am. Am I even who I think I am? I have so many questions not getting answered. Not that anyone should even worry. I am prone to ruining shit especially relationships. I will only ever be the second choice and that alone makes me sick. What if this never does get better? Everyone is pretending that life is an enjoyable experience but Its hell. I keep dwelling on the past. Phoebie left me when I needed her the most. I was on the verge of going back into depression and she pushed me. I needed her more than anything, she was my lifeline. After she left I have gone no where but down. I don’t even know what lead to this. I was bullied when I was younger but not near enough to push me this far. No one could ever been as mean to me as I am to myself.