So very alone. So very sick.
I’m running out of hope, and maybe that’s not the worst thing.
I’m sitting on my couch, in my underwear, after binging on food. I’m still binging on food. I feel disgusting and overwhelmed, surrounded by the grime of my house, a house I’m unable to care for no matter what I do.
I don’t know if it’s right for me to write here. What if I trigger someone to go through with their own suicide? It’s difficult to stop obsessively caring.
I don’t know if I can stay alive much longer. I don’t know if it’s right for me to. Some people are terrible people, and some do deserve to die. I think I’m one of those people, because looking through your posts, I don’t see a single one like me. That means you, at least, have hope. But me? If you only knew.
I know it wasn’t completely my fault for turning out like this. But I can’t tell what’s real, trying to pick up fragmented pieces of memory.
It’s funny how people tell you to talk to them, but get angry or frustrated whenever you do so. Makes you not want to even consider vulnerability.
But I’m vulnerable, and I’m scared, and I don’t know that there’s a way out. I’ve tried countless psychiatrists, psychologists, mental hospitals, medications that pacify but destroy me, and I hurt everyone. I’m violent and mean and full of horrible thoughts and emotions and reactions, and I just wish it would stop.
Maybe death isn’t the worst thing. Maybe I need to stop fearing it. I just wish I knew what was on the other side. It’s a scary thing not knowing.
I can’t talk to anyone, but I desperately want to. Maybe that would just lead to me hurting someone even more.
I’m trying so hard to get a new therapist. But things are comically difficult.
I feel the last vestiges of hope leaving me.
7 comments
Yeah I know the feeling, It’s an itch you can’t scratch. The most difficult part is to continue on living and not backing down. I solve it with making music to occupy the mind not thinking about my “issues” with not function mentally/socially correct. It’s some sort of exhaust of bad feelings.
I hope some day you will find inner peace (alive of course).
Take care.
I feel like this, too. Word for word.
What have you done that’s so terrible you deserve to die, though?
I have a lot of mental problems. A lot of perversions. I don’t know if I’m worth saving, or if it’s even possible.
I hate myself. I hurt myself. I just hurt.
so do i
when i was pregnant i had this insatiable craving for baby powder
now i ocasionally indulge in having it dry my mouth and spitting it out afterwards. thats kind of a mental problem. well in my opinion
you may think you’re perverted but i’m sure theres someone (like me) even weirder and thinks your perversions are kinda cool.
that was probably a weird thing to say. i like weird people. i connect better with them
this probably isnt good advice either.. as good as therapists and psyc-whatevers try to make themselves seem. dont trust them. all they want is an excuse to drug you up and make sure they’re being paid for their next “session” with you
then if you do bad.. forget about it. hospitalization is no joke
I think the first thing that you need to do is calm down. Serenity. Peace. Watch something *positive* on TV, but don’t let your mind wander. Lose some of the agitation. If you’re pacing, stop doing that. Stop thinking. Don’t do it. All the negative thoughts, block them out. Do something else.
Once you’ve done that, come back here and post your story. Tell us what your problems are. No one knows you here, and you can walk away at any time. You need to drop the guard a little bit so we can better understand what you are going through.
The voice in your head that tells you that you’re worthless or deserve to die – it’s lying to you. Don’t let yourself believe it.
well said. well said *slow clap*
Thank you, all. I’ll write when I can collect my thoughts, but your words do matter. <3